I think you all know by now that I’m not the sort of person who, when something embarrassing happens to me, will keep schtum about it in the hopes that it’ll go away unnoticed. Oh no, I’m far more likely to tell EVERYONE around me before dashing home and blogging about it so that it’s preserved on the internet forever and ever amen.
So in no particular order, these are the cringy things that have happened to me in the past… oh god it’s only been FIVE DAYS.
First there was this:
I thought nothing of it at the time, until a friend piped up a day later:
Bugger me if it doesn’t mean sex. I’d only gone and announced to all the people who follow me on Twitter that I was about to bump uglies to keep warm hadn’t I. That’s friends, workmates, my BROTHER, all sorts of people who were no doubt more down with the kids than I am when it comes to urban lingo…. What I meant by horizontal jogging was literally that, lying in bed pretending to run really fast in order to warm my lower half up from the friction of my thighs rubbing together. Embarrassing enough in itself really…
Then the day of my work appraisal loomed and I spent the day wearing a tea dress and tights, with fat pants made of trampoline material over the tights to keep them up like some kind of shit superhero. Only problem being that the only fat pants I could find were beige and so I was in a rather precarious position. Basically, if the wind caught my skirt and blew it up round my ears I was fucked. The world and its wife would see my rib to knee knickers the colour of builders tea.
I spent the whole day in fear and by the time my appraisal actually started I was on edge. As someone new to wearing skirts above the knee, I need to be really careful about keeping my legs at midnight and not at ten to two so I don’t flash my gusset at the assembled. I was in paroxysms of fear that my boss would drop his pen, bend down to pick it up, and catch sight of the granny pants *whispers* complete with pee hole…
So needless to say I was a bit distracted. Which is why it took me FAR longer than it should have done to compose an answer to the question,
‘And what annoys you…………….. about me?’
I was thrown because I was so distracted and then that question, it just came out of the blue and so I gawped, made fish mouth a couple of times and then,
‘Weeeeelllll…………………………………………………………………..’ Nice one, LTA, make it sound like you hate everything why don’t you.
Headed back to my desk in a post appraisal state of collapse I was in desperate need of gin intravenously and STAT. My colleague informed me that the woman I’d spent the morning trying to get hold of hadn’t been in touch and all I wanted to do was crawl under my desk and weep because we were in a time crunch and I desperately needed to reunite her with her passport before she headed for the airport. I was just contemplating going and raiding the sin bin for chocolate when my phone started ringing from an internal number. I picked it up with a (forced) cheery hello and was shocked when the voice on the other end of the line belonged to aforementioned passport woman who wasn’t supposed to be on site. Cue me, having a total brain fart and saying,
‘Where ARE you? The call is coming from inside the office? THIS IS LIKE THE START OF A HORROR FILM AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO GUT ME LIKE A FISH’
Her response? A polite little (forced?) laugh and a ‘Oh thanks LTA’ in a tone of voice that rather said ‘thank you very much for comparing me to a serial killer, you weirdo’.
As if, AS IF, all that wasn’t bad enough I then proceeded to tell the entire office I sit in about the horizontal jogging story. FUCK ME I NEED AN INTERNAL SENSOR!
Day done I slunk off to my car and headed home but on the course of the journey my fat pants and tights started pressing on my bladder and by the time I reached the traffic lights at the end of my road (RED!) I was clenching my kegel muscles like my life depended on it and internally going ‘fuck fuck fuck need a pee fuck fuck pleeeeeeease let the toilet be unoccupied fuck fuck fuck’. I pulled onto the driveway and by this stage I was so bursting to wee like a racehorse I had to do that pigeon step thigh clenching oh god I’m going to wet myself waddle out of my car and through my front door, making it to the downstairs loo JUST in time before I widdled on the hallway carpet. OH GOD the relief was like nothing else on earth and in that moment of being relaxed almost to the point of horizontal, I couldn’t be fucked to deal with pulling my tights AND fat pants up, so I didn’t.
Now of course I wasn’t sensible, I didn’t slip the sorry mess off my feet and bundle them into my bag. No, I decided it was a great idea to leave them round my ankles like a spandex shackle and do a weird crab walk shuffle like one of those toy soldiers whose feet are glued together, out of the toilet and across the hallway into my bedroom. I was almost almost there when I heard a key in the lock and the front door swung open to reveal my housemate and two friends. I couldn’t make eye contact for fear of my embarrassment turning me to stone and so I didn’t, what I did do was turn my weird crab walk into a speedy crabby hoppy shuffle like I was competing in a three legged race all on my own before slamming the door shut behind me and falling face first onto my bed.
I guess some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.