Welcome to Plateauville, Population: Me

Welcome to the Plateauville town tour my name is Skinny Minnie and I’m your guide for the day. Please keep your hands inside the tour bus as the residents are prone to biting, snarling and spitting. If you have a flash on your camera please ensure it is activated if you intend on taking photos as Plateauville residents are a narcissistic bunch who although being stuck here still love posing for photographs. Flashbulbs popping will be sure to lure residents out of their houses. At the end of the tour we will have a quick visit to the gift shop, where you will be able to find t-shirts, fanny packs and lycra leggings, one size fits all. Of course the size is XXXXXL, we find that the t-shirts make excellent car covers for inclement weather, or gazebos for the garden.
On the left you’ll notice the Plateauville town scales where residents are required to subject themselves to humiliating weigh-ins where lucky tour visitors pelt them with junk food if the scale doesn’t move. If the scale does show a sign of movement residents are required to pack their belongings and leave Plateauville immediately, however most of them return one day even if it’s only for a week.

Further up Heifer Street on the right you’ll notice the Plateauville General Stores where protein, bottled water and vitamins are the mainstays. You’ll notice that most of the store is boarded up because the owner is on vacation due to the population of this town being reduced to just one resident currently. Long Tall Ally has been in Plateauville for two weeks now and has not enjoyed a single moment of her stay, the ungrateful bitch.

Of course to end her stay in Plateauville all L.T.A needs to do is get off her fat arse, drink excessive amounts of water and keep her protein levels up. You’ll see up ahead that the town fountain, shaped like the hallowed Golden Arches is still spouting water which folks, is a sure sign that L.T.A will be resident here for some time to come. That concludes our quick trip through Plateauville, I hope you’ve enjoyed your visit, please remember to take all your junk food and fizzy drinks, Long Tall Ally has no use for them.

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