Alice is in wonderland at the Mad Hatter’s tea party

So I’m just going to pretend that I *didn’t* take another unscheduled break from blogging and carry on as if you all know exactly what’s been going on in my life. I will be nice though and slap in some bullet points to catch you up to speed

Went back on the crazy girl pills, they made me less crazy but so hungry I could have eaten my own shoe (rubber sole and all). So I’ve got back off the normality train and am out in the wilderness of being a mental once more. Fingers crossed it’s not going too badly and my appetite has shrunk again huzzah!

The great internetwebdating thingy – hmm, I’m guessing the Good Doctor was right about this one – I need to be a bit nicer to myself before I’ll let anyone else near me! I did have an email frisson with a Police man but knew from the off it wasn’t going to go anywhere as he was significantly shorter than me. And yes I know that is incredibly picky and I should chill a little bit but hey, he just didn’t float my boat.

Inspired by Magda & Jeremy I went and spent an extraordinary amount on bedlinen and cushions….. check me out being little miss fancy pants. I keep justifying it by saying it is my reward for having lost 100lbs but I don’t think my bank manager would see it like that!

I just had a massive Facebook friend cull so Congratulations if you made the cut – if you didn’t well quite frankly I don’t care because it means I didn’t like you mwahahahaha

Today was Mr Slice ‘n’ Dice’s annual tea party where all his patients get together and don’t eat the buffet that’s laid on whilst being filmed for his TV show. Lady Headstrong came out with a cracking comment that getting bypass patients together for a buffet was so ironic it almost swung right back round to being normal which made me laugh so hard I think a bit of pee came out. I actually *gasp* took pride in my appearance, I think the presence of the teevee people made my vain side come flooding out – I spent an hour straightening my hair which is SUPER RIDICULOUS as my hair only just touches my shoulders! I was also so very very excited I was ready three hours early and then sat in the living room in my underwear so my outfit wouldn’t get creased. (true story).

I bought an actual dress to wear for the shingdig however due to being tall my arse was hanging out of the bottom of it and so I made the executive decision to wear it over jeans in that vaguely hippy dippy way that would also protect my modesty, and then I had to boil wash my jeans and not wear them til the last possible moment so that they actually fit me and didn’t start falling down. I was pleased with how I looked, even if I did look like I was perhaps 3 months pregnant…. I’m not though, chance would be a fine thing!

Upshot of the party today is that I have been interviewed for the new series of FAT DOCTOR – I always imagine that title in caps in my head as if it should be shouted in an appalled voice. Whilst on camera my head was already imagining myself cringing behind a pillow on my sofa watching my first adult appearance on the gogglebox. Rebecca the director kept telling me I was doing fantastically and looked beautiful when they were filming me stood there grinning like a windowlicker…. In response my head was going ‘yeah right, you look like an absolute goon’ and then I kept trying to catch glimpses of myself in the camera lens which led to the cameraman telling me we had to do it again “because you keep closing your eyes”. I now have visions of myself looking like someone with some sort of twitch grinning like a complete idiot. Gee, I’m so kind to myself!

I also had a hideous thought as they filmed me holding up the ‘before’ photos, all I could think was ‘My Stepmum is going to kill me, I’ve got really bitten down fingernails’ so then I started trying to hold the pics without my fingernails showing…. nightmare! But we obviously did something right as the director wants to make us a feature for the new series……. ARGH! They want to send me and the other two of the ‘terrible threesome’ (as named by the nurses!) out on a night out and film what we get up to! Oh good lord look out world you won’t know what’s hit you!

Such a giggle today, at one point I thought I was going to kick the bucket right there and then from laughing so hard about describing someone as having a ‘face like a bucket of smashed crabs’ – which made everyone in the room stop and look at us. I reckon they’ll have to forego about half of the ‘room footage’ they shot as in the background they’ll see me and the girls pretending to be ballerinas, jumping up and down, making our boobies dance, showing off our scars and generally being arses as well as blowing kisses at the cameraman! Apologies to the production team for that! Especially huge apologies to Louis – *drools*. Louis, Louis, Louis – you’re so fit and contrary to the popular Streets song, you don’t know it! I also found out that Doodah has a famous nephew who I had a MASSIVE crush on when I was about 14, so much so that I used to write ‘Mrs Yehudi Menuin’ on my german exercise book cover! Her nephew isn’t Yehudi Menuin (who I am not sure is even male?! answers on a postcard) but out of respect for my teenage hormones I ain’t dishing the dirt!


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