Mother Nature was faced with a terrible dilemma as Long Tall Ally’s sister in law ‘The Middle Wife’ was so very pregnant there were fears she’d pop like a champagne cork sending her baby flying round the room however the World was just 13oz short of it’s maximum human weight limit so she had to cross her legs a while longer. Mama N couldn’t let the baby come in to the world weighing only 13oz as it wouldn’t be able to survive but similarly she didn’t want another fine from the WWF (World Weight Foundation) if she let it go unsolved as she’d been eyeing up the Mulberry Maggie for ages and finally had saved enough to treat herself.
As she paced the floor in her treetop house made of ginger bread (what? It’s my fairy story!) ideas were flooding to her thick and fast, unfortunately none were actually any use. The new arrival was to be 8lbs 13oz and so somehow, somewhere, Mama N needed to squeeze a spare 8lbs out of an already overpopulated World. Not a fun task.
First, she wondered about the Big Brother contestants, past and present – could she squeeze 8lbs worth of brain matter from them? I mean, they wouldn’t miss it as she’d be sure to leave them the ability to laugh inanely and pose for the camera. Unfortunately as she flicked through the BB yearbook 2000 – 2008 she was dismayed when she realised that the collection of contestants simply didn’t have enough between the ears to be of any use, unless of course The Middle Wife and her husband wanted a baby made from cotton wool and a distinct lack of common sense.
Secondly, Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand occupied her thoughts. They of the overly large barnets and aggressively comedic personalities famed for making complete wallies of themselves on a regular basis. Could they help? Mama N was convinced that if she could get the opportunity to give them normal haircuts she would definitely meet and possibly even exceed her 8lb target but her softer side said it wasn’t right. ‘The Winehouse is such a skinny ragtag bag of bones’ thought Mama N, ‘if I cut her hair off she’ll definitely freeze and die and then I’ll be responsible for making the Grim Reaper cut short his ski holiday in Courcheval to come back and sort it all out and I’ll never hear the end of that and anyway I’m convinced that Russell Brand is providing sanctuary for squirrel babies in that big old hair of his and I would feel so guilty making them homeless this close to Christmas’. This was going to be harder than she thought.
Mama N began considering what she could do to help, perhaps if she stuck religiously to the Cabbage soup diet and hit the x-trainer continuously for the next week she’d be able to burn off enough to squeeze the new addition in. ‘Damn’, she thought ‘if only I wasn’t a slinky size 8 glamourpuss and I actually HAD fat to burn’ (Ha! – I bet you thought she was a plump old woman with her hair in a bun a la Mrs Pepperpot!). But, like a lightbulb being turned on inside her head she’d struck upon an idea – get someone *else* to bust their arse to lose the necessary weight. She could even act as a motivational coach! Feeling fired up by this potential plan, and getting ever closer to holding her beloved Mulberry Maggie in her hands, Mama N booted up her laptop, logged in to FairyBook and started searching through her friends list for the perfect person.
That person loomed in to view like a giant purple monster coming over the horizon, because well that’s the picture she had chosen to represent herself on FairyBook. LongTallAlly, the amazonian giantess with an arse the size and shape of the front of a Ford Popular – she could definitely lose the 8lbs needed to create a baby shaped hole in the World, and her very own sister in law could fill it. What a perfect solution.
Mother Nature dug out her wand, gave it a bit of a polish and conjured up the sparkly glittering ball of magic that would enable LTA to lose the necessary weight in a week before opening her window and letting it fly out of the window from Fairy Treetop to Atherley Manor where it would do it’s thang.
The next morning Long Tall Ally awoke from her deep slumber, hopped on the scales and BINGO – 8lbs gone in one week. Whilst literally dancing with joy her phone bleeped, a text from the Middle Wife’s husband ‘Bush Baby, 8lb 13oz, 11:35am, Middle Wife and baby both doing well’.