Oh dear. I was all jazzed up ready to have a fantastic weekend with my best girl and her other bridesmaid (who is a bit hard going but lovely underneath it all) and actually the whole weekend left me feeling very low and I spent most of it feeling the tears pricking at my eyes….
It wasn’t about the company, that was more than wonderful (as always), the weather was glorious and the location couldn’t have been more beautiful, so what was it?
It was me. My head, my stress, my dramas, my everything really. Part sadness at being single (it was pretty full on visa vis wedding, relationships, babies, dogs, “THE FUTURE” talk), part shame at people marvelling how teeny tiny I am now (who are they kidding? I’m still morbidly obese but then I suppose I *am* quite small now compared to how GARGANTUAN I was before – Godzilla had nuttin’ on me!) and mostly a swift haymaker to the ovaries that made me feel unfeminine, fat, frumpy and like a circus freak/giantess in my bridesmaids dress. It’s made me realise that actually, I’m bricking it about going on holiday and deep down, wish I didn’t have to go. Writing that on paper makes me feel like such a bitch as it is my best girls wedding *and* an incredible holiday but my fears and worries are just overtaking me at the moment and I don’t know what to do.
My bingo wings are monstrous, they are crepey and wobbly and saggy and crap. I hated my upper arms when they were fat and I hate them even more now they’re all baggy and old womanish and so am bothered about having to get them out whilst on holiday. They’re so big they remind me of that beer advert where they steal the fat womans shadow to provide shade for their ice cold pint – maybe I can hire mine out for shade or even as fans if I flap my arms a bit. I’m also very worried that even though I’ve lost an extraordinary amount of weight I will still be ‘too fat’ to take part in all the excursions and trips like swimming with dolphins and jungle speedboat touring which will then mark me out as being ‘different’ and yet again, as I have been for the rest of my life, I will be left on the sidelines holding all the bags.