Today is a total write off methinks….. I should be allowed to lie on a chaise longue in the sunshine whilst an oiled up bohunk fans me and feeds me peeled grapes as I am bugger all use for any other purpose! I always completely lose the plot on the first day of Aunt Flo coming to town however today has been an out and out record breaker. For some reason first thing this morning I decided it was a genius idea to unpack my suitcase to see what I’d already put in there except then I lost the momentum and so now have a bedroom that has holiday stuff on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE and an empty suitcase handily placed to make me trip over it in the middle of the night. Aces!
I managed to pull a muscle in my shoulder by chatting to Marms on the phone so can’t look left and then I had a shower in which I felt so faint I had to lean against the wall which made me feel like I was in one of those gritty Hollywood movies where the main character had bad news and so drinks a lot of whiskey and then has a shower to appear sober but then everyone knows they’ve been on it in a big way because they have a massive 5 o’clock shadow and stink like a distillery. In my befuddled state I forgot to use any conditioner and having used stinky boy shampoo was left with hair equivalent in size and design to a rather messy birds nest. I couldn’t find my hairbrush due to the tragic suitcase explosion so had to face going to Hobbycraft looking like Stig of the Dump’s less attractive sister. I managed to drive through a red light on the way to the shop thanks in large part to not being able to look left due to shoulder injury and then, hormones raging, I stalked round looking for a zip whilst wanting to murder whichever fuckwit was making a shop selling beads and crafty shit smell so deliciously of scampi and chips at 11am. I had to keep wiping dribble off my chin which was a bonus addition to the birdsnest hair and makeup smeared round my eyes. Mmm attractive. I also managed to drop my phone in to a sink full of water whilst brushing my teeth and have repeatedly stabbed myself in the leg whilst trying to attach aforementioned scampi scented zip to my gorgeous Cath Kidston beach bag, I think I want to cry everytime I inadvertantly prick myself but it would just take too much effort. So much for lovely plans of being out and about for this glorious three day weekend, all I want to do is curl into a ball on my bed with the curtains drawn to watch the Neighbours omnibus with lots of lovely squishy comfort food like marshmallows and err, can’t reallty think of any other squishy foods that are also comforting.
Oh good lord I’m talking such utter shite it’s definitely definitely time for a nap.