If you have half a brain

Most of my lot have gone off on trips today so I’ve been cultivating an air of mystery by looking suave and sophisticated in huge Hollywood shades and sunhat lying by the pool whilst actually getting merry drinking pina colada. I maintain that schnarfing down a pina colada at 10:45am is perfectly acceptable as long as you are
A) on holiday
B) thirsty
C) listening to the pina colada song on your ipod.

Thankfully I fulfilled all three requirements so guzzled it down as if it was 36 degrees today (which incidentally it is, even the Cubans are complaining about the heat!) and then went for a swim…. I say a swim but actually it was more of a floaty/sinky/tready water affair as it occurred to me today whilst flailing my way round the pool that I can’t actually swim! The last time I went into a swimming pool was at junior school some 16 years ago so it’s no wonder I’m a little rusty shall we say! I’m also the posessor of a lot of body fat still which floats so trying to do anything other than some aimless lounging in the pool proves rather difficult. I did manage to breaststroke from one side of the pool to the other which I was pretty pleased about, even if it did take FOREVER but I suppose it is all about baby steps hey and so I really should congratulate myself on continually going out of my comfort zone.

It’s disgustingly hot here today, I’m trying to sit as still as possible so I don’t get a sweat on but unfortunately the very act of being is making my top lip bead with sweat drips – nice image huh? I’m hoping the three remaining gentlemen in my party are going to be chivalrous and escort me to dinner/drinks tonight but seeing as they have been doing boy things and ignoring me all day I very much doubt they’ll entertain me tonight! In which case I am going to embrace the spirit of independence and take myself out for drinkies – shock horror! I might even sweet talk the German lady who runs the joint (and thinks I am family) or the Cuban barman with the gold teeth (who winks and says ‘hola guapa’ whenever he sees me) into letting me slope off to my patio with a bottle of something – preferably rum!

Am feeling proud of myself actually for all the things I have accomplished so far this trip:
* Managed to fit into a plane seat without an extender!

* Worn a swimming costume in public!

* Not worn a sarong/kaftan over said bathers to cover wobbly bits!

* Swam in the pool and the ocean

* Managed not to die of embarrassment when flirted with by Cuban men (gold toothed barman = prime example!)

* Been upfront with the girls about body confidence issues and discovered that everybody has their own little hang ups. (Marms always told me this was the case, I never believed her!)

* Made holiday type small talk with fellow sun worshippers without being embarrassed about wobbly bits

* Organised an impromptu birthday celebration for Man Candy Andy which was a great success, and organised a hen party for Marms which will be a success involving a day’s lobster lunch catamaran cruise followed by a champagne/mojito/live music reception (with hot drummer) in the beach bar followed by a private dinner for thirteen in the a la carte restaurant!

* Booked to go on a jungle speedboat tour (tomorrow) where yours truly gets to drive a speedboat through the mangroves before stopping to snorkle amongst all the fishies (how very James Bond!) and feed the weird tree rats that look like beavers.

* But most crucially, managed to not let my head mess, body hang ups and all round mentalness get in the way of me reveling in the real reason we’re all here – The Wedding!

Right about now (the funk soul brother) I could literally kiss my surgeon for making all this possible!Ps) ahh blessed relief, the afternoon rain shower has arrived. It is actually just like being in a shower, warm water and lasts about ten minutes!


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