Dear Crapbags

To all men everywhere,

Listen up lads, I understand that you’re not good with feelings and that the idea of being open about what’s going on inside scares most of you shitless, I get that, but what I don’t understand is why you can be so cowardly about stuff and think that we’ll be okay with it. I for one am not okay with it.

It may be because I have been therapised more than most over the years that I am more down with the idea of being upfront than most but seriously is it too hard to compose a simple text saying ‘thanks but no thanks’? I appreciate that some women would take receiving a text like that as a cue to completely crack the shits and go batshit mental in your face, your inbox and all over your facebook wall but I’m not one of them. I may have been at one time, and it may not have been all that long ago compared with how long I have been on the planet but hey, everybody does things they’re not proud of and that’s not who I am anymore since I discovered some self esteem, a waist and a rather fantastic cleavage. Not to toot my own horn of course….

Your lack of courtesy makes it difficult for me to get excited about opportunities to have some one on one time with members of your tribe because I always know it’s going to end badly. Or rather it’s not actually going to end at all because as far as I am concerned, disappearing into the ether doesn’t count as calling time on something. It counts as proving that I was right all along – go me!

I wish I could share Marmaloid’s optimism about the opposite sex, but unfortunately years of put-downs, letdowns and cockish behaviour have turned me into a cynical seething mass of resentment and so I’d much rather go into situations with my eyes wide open and my expectations lowered and end up pleasantly surprised than go in all dreamy and coochy woo’ing expecting hearts and flowers and ending up getting hurt, again.

Surely one of you can pleasantly surprise me by not being a cowardly douche bag?

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