I’m lying here feeling sullied and unclean, wishing I could take a brillo pad to my eyeballs and my memory after coming across a follower of mine on Twitter who is a foot/giantess fetishist. *shudders*
I know I should perhaps try and be flattered that I fall into his demographic of attraction but at the same time I can’t help but find it creepy that someone gets turned on by the thought of being overpowered by a tall powerful female. There is probably some hideously anti feminist undertone being alluded to in that but I can’t help it. I don’t like to think of a man (who in my mind looks like Mr Muscle) being submissive and weedy – it reminds me of the scene in ‘Road Trip’ where DJ Qualls’ is overpowered by the gigantic black woman who has knickers the size of Manchester. Therein lies the rub, my issue with it is not about the big powerful man being reduced to a simpering mass, it’s about men idolising women who could crush them.
I hate thinking that men see me as a figure of sexual power, but it’s not because I think women should be meek and mild it’s because I have a hang up about being built like a brick shithouse. I want to be attractive to an average guy as a normal woman, not a man who gets his rocks off coming up to a woman’s elbow or thinks that massively fat flabby flesh is a turn on. I want someone to look at me and judge me as being attractive using the same criteria they use for other women. Really what I mean is that I’d like a lithe toned body and a small pert bottom.
I hate my body now more than I ever did at my biggest which makes it difficult to be nice to myself and to think positively. I look at my body now and imagine people thinking ‘god look at that heifer’. I used to think I was invisible when I was nearly 32 stone whereas now I am taking more pride in my appearance and am on the prowl for a man, I suddenly have been thrust into the limelight. When I was massive my body was vile and I could never imagine it being any different.
Fast forward to now, having lost a shed load of weight and I find my body even more repulsive. I think it’s because I’m getting closer to being physically ‘normal’, the goal is within my reach and so it makes the flab harder to deal with. I also hate that my food choices matter so much more than they ever did and I hate the fact that I am going to be locked in a daily battle against food and my feelings for the rest of time. At least if I’d stayed huge the food choices wouldn’t have mattered because every bite was killing me and I wouldn’t be obsessing about having a tiny pert underweight bottom. *sigh*