Have you ever gotten to the stage where you’ve just thought ‘fuck it’ about everything in your life? Yeah? Then you’ll know how I felt a week ago. I’d been expecting some side effects from yet another new medication however in what felt like a matter of moments last Sunday I went from happy upbeat high on life Long Tall Ally to wailing suicide obsessed banshee who had to high tail it back to the parental ranch for some much needed TLC.
Nobody needs to worry mmkay? I’m not typing this from the edge of a high building or surrounded by boxes of pills and a bottle of vodka. Suicide is not a laughing matter but thankfully for me, I was only having suicidal thoughts not suicidal actions. Still bloody scary whatever the definition though. It adds a certain frisson to your day constantly looking around you wondering how best you could do yourself in with the tools you have. My favourite appeared to be electrocution using my Blackberry charger, or throwing myself off our balcony however the latter would probably have only broken a few bones.
I’m not purposefully trying to make light of this situation but having made the decision to go through and post this I don’t want it to become some woe is me dirge. I got to the point where I was just totally, utterly, fed up with being me. On average it happens twice a year and I’m pretty adept at dealing with it, slapping on a smile and just getting through it but this time the only possible escape was to head home. Even convincing my brain to let me do that was a pitched battle that it took a while to win. I felt paralysed, trapped by the depression raging inside me and I couldn’t even bring myself to pick up the phone and call my family.
It’s got to be pretty rough on a parent to welcome their adult child home and sit there while she says she’s fed up with living, fed up with being herself and looking for a way out, some respite for even a few hours. Mine handled it admirably. No pressure to talk, no pressure to explain, just hugs on tap, healthy doses of home cooking and a reassurance that they understood.
I’m better than I was but I’m not fully back to my usual wittering self just yet, I feel awfully subdued but peaceful with it – I’m happy to just let life wash over me for a while until I’m back up to speed. I’m still fighting the urge not to call or communicate with anyone who might call me out on how I’m feeling or want to TALK but I owe Bells and Marmaloid phone calls and so it’s time to get over it and lean on my friends for a little while.
I’ll keep updating through the fog of depression, lots to share about dating and mating, well less of the mating, but stick around anyway exciting times ahead. In the meantime, depression? How do you deal?