The fuck it button

Have you ever gotten to the stage where you’ve just thought ‘fuck it’ about everything in your life? Yeah? Then you’ll know how I felt a week ago. I’d been expecting some side effects from yet another new medication however in what felt like a matter of moments last Sunday I went from happy upbeat high on life Long Tall Ally to wailing suicide obsessed banshee who had to high tail it back to the parental ranch for some much needed TLC.

Nobody needs to worry mmkay? I’m not typing this from the edge of a high building or surrounded by boxes of pills and a bottle of vodka. Suicide is not a laughing matter but thankfully for me, I was only having suicidal thoughts not suicidal actions. Still bloody scary whatever the definition though. It adds a certain frisson to your day constantly looking around you wondering how best you could do yourself in with the tools you have. My favourite appeared to be electrocution using my Blackberry charger, or throwing myself off our balcony however the latter would probably have only broken a few bones.

I’m not purposefully trying to make light of this situation but having made the decision to go through and post this I don’t want it to become some woe is me dirge. I got to the point where I was just totally, utterly, fed up with being me. On average it happens twice a year and I’m pretty adept at dealing with it, slapping on a smile and just getting through it but this time the only possible escape was to head home. Even convincing my brain to let me do that was a pitched battle that it took a while to win. I felt paralysed, trapped by the depression raging inside me and I couldn’t even bring myself to pick up the phone and call my family.

It’s got to be pretty rough on a parent to welcome their adult child home and sit there while she says she’s fed up with living, fed up with being herself and looking for a way out, some respite for even a few hours. Mine handled it admirably. No pressure to talk, no pressure to explain, just hugs on tap, healthy doses of home cooking and a reassurance that they understood.

I’m better than I was but I’m not fully back to my usual wittering self just yet, I feel awfully subdued but peaceful with it – I’m happy to just let life wash over me for a while until I’m back up to speed. I’m still fighting the urge not to call or communicate with anyone who might call me out on how I’m feeling or want to TALK but I owe Bells and Marmaloid phone calls and so it’s time to get over it and lean on my friends for a little while.

I’ll keep updating through the fog of depression, lots to share about dating and mating, well less of the mating, but stick around anyway exciting times ahead. In the meantime, depression? How do you deal?


8 thoughts on “The fuck it button

  1. Don't really have much to offer except "I know exactly how that feels." You know I've been there myself recently.In my case, quite scarily, a lot of the suicidal thoughts turned out to be scary side effects of SSRI withdrawal. It's utterly bloody £$%&*@ that the side effects of medications that are supposed to help us end up making the problem worse.I don't really have anything else to offer. Sometimes exercise helps, sometimes getting more sunlight, sometimes just doing *something* to try and pull yourself out of your own head, even if it's just watching a favourite movie or reading an absorbing book. Though when you're that deep, sometimes even those things are hard to concentrate on. I try to drown my problems in oxytocin if I haven't got the serotonin – hence my completely inexplicable (to others) intense crushes. But that's really not a good way to live.Just really wanted to reach out and give a little virtual hug.

  2. I knew you'd comment and I'm so glad you did. It's so nice just to have someone say 'I know how that feels' because it can be the loneliest thing in the world to go through even when you're surrounded by loving friends and family. You're right though, it's UTTER WANK that the tablets I need to stay upright day in day out are also the ones that make me feel like this. It's a lose lose situation. Hope you're doing okay xxx

  3. I am sad to read you have been going through such a shabby time. I thought you were quiet. I am glad you has some family time,and that you are feeling a little better. take one day at a time and be nice to you x am always here if you want light hearted banter – or any banter actually! 🙂 x

  4. Thanks LV. It still feels like such a freaking taboo to be able to say 'actually I'm not okay, I'm depressed' without worrying that people are going to have you committed! I'm always up for some banter xxx

  5. Just want you to know that I Iove you (in a totally non-lesbianity way) and am ALWAYS here for you. I have only suffered depression once with a 'moderate' (their word!) dose of PND and that was bad enough. I had shamefully always been a 'pull yourself together' type before, but having been there, albeit briefly and moderately, I am different now. Muchos loveos XXXXXXX

  6. I suffered from depression for a year a couple of years ago and I know how awful it can be. It went away when things started to improve in my life (new uni course, new flat etc – change was important), but it still creeps back every now and then. You are not alone. Even if you don't want to talk about it at the moment, knowing that your friends and family are there if you need them is important. So is learning to be proud of who you are and the things that you do, however small they may seem. I read your blog and follow you on Twitter and think that you seem like a fab, lovely person. I really hope that you feel better

  7. You know how I feel about you: my third child. I've had depression most of my life so I totally know where you are with it.It's the 'Dorian Gray' who is allowed to rear his head once in a while. The reason you have so many loving, caring friends is because you deserve them my darling. You are a joy to be around and have one of the kindest spirits I have ever known. You are NEVER alone as long as I have breath in my body xxx

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