Too disgusted to think of a title…

I’m disgusted with myself this evening. I’m ashamed of myself and can’t believe that I am going to write this post but in for a penny in for a pound and you’ve been there through the good times, the tough times and so as long as you promise not to desert me through the shitty times here goes.

Picture the scene, I’m sat on the bus home next to a complete fuck-knuckle who is sat with his legs so far apart that he’s shoving me off my seat and I’m considering elbow dropping him in the balls when a woman the size I used to be gets on the bus. My reaction? I’m sad to say I looked down my nose at her and thought ‘fat cow’.

For any new readers out there, this is what I looked like in July ’08 —->

Hardly sylph like was I? I know first hand the indignity of being morbidly obese, let’s not forget I went one stage further and was super morbidly obese and so when did I become the sort of woman who looks down her nose at another human being? Especially a human being that I could relate to on so many levels. I’m sad that I would behave so appallingly, knowing as I do that the stares and the comments in public were (for me anyway) the very hardest part of being the size I was.

No two ways about it, I passed judgement on the lady on the bus – I looked at her spilling over the sides of the seat and thought I was better than her. Is that the woman I’ve become? Judging people’s worth on the size of their waist? It feels hideous.

Of course then I flipped to feeling horrific about the little voice inside me that had sneered at her. I wanted to rush over and hug her and let her know that I understood what it was like and to offer her my surgeon’s number should she want to do something about it. I’d probably have got a smack in the mouth for my trouble if she was anywhere near as defensive about her size as I used to be.

I was also reminded of a part of ‘Jemima J’ by the wonderful Jane Green, a book I read with tears streaming down my face as Jemima’s story resonated so closely with me. Having shrunk away to become a hardbodied gym freak Jemima tries to bond with another character Jenny who is fat but who refuses to believe that Jemima was once the same size. It’s sick isn’t it that I want to be Jemima in that situation one day isn’t it. Part of me hoped that if I had gone over to the bus woman that she would have refused to believe that I was once a size 36.

I feel ashamed, I feel like weeping and I feel like stuffing my face. The first two? Fair enough. The last one? No fucking way, I’m not going there again.

(in other news, contracts from my literary agent have arrived – I don’t understand a word but am excited)

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7 thoughts on “Too disgusted to think of a title…

  1. A reason why you did what you did could be purely subconscious, you projecting yourself on to her and saw your old self and so the words you used were words that you use to use about yourself. It is something we all do, we see/smell/hear something that puts the link to something in our brain that makes us think/do/say something about some one/thing else which is about us.

  2. That's a fascinating, and painful, comment. You're absolutely bloody right though. I was judging her the way I (still) judge myself. It wasn't about her weight, it was about *my* weight and how I still haven't come to terms with the ghosts of my past.Thank you for posting that, free therapy for Long Tall Ally! xx

  3. I think Anonymous has a point, but I'd like to put it in a more positive light. It's about acceptance. I always try to accept people as they are. But when we make a decision to change something about ourselves, like our weight, acceptance becomes quite difficult, because it clashes with our commitment to change.The way I look at it, you made a choice to lose weight, and that was a good choice, but you are still the same person you were back then. So, when you see someone else. try to think of the person, not the condition they're in, or the stage of their life they're at.

  4. I've just shown your blog and photos to my mum, then shown her the newer photos from facebook. She wanted me to let you know that you look absolutely stunning, and says well done! That comment comes from the heart, and is equally echoed by me!Love you! Sarah M x

  5. I wouldn't be to hard on yourself. I think we all do it. No matter whether it's weight or dodgy fashion sense we all at one point during the day judge someone – even if we don't realise we're doing it.How often have you watched a reality tv program and not thought to comment on what hte person looks like, what their wearing, how they speak etc? It's not possible…It is horrible, but it's also part of life as much as I hate to admit it.

  6. You're right Rachael, it is something we all do and I quite easily judge people on other aspects of their dress or appearance but this was the first time I've done it over weight and it shocked me.I think getting it out on paper really helped me shift the guilt though. That's why I love this blog. xxx

  7. It's hard when you find yourself thinking in a way that is so alien to the person you know yourself as being, but it's part of life. Don't worry about it mate. Lorns xxx

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