On a scale of 1 to girlie I’m about a 5; I know how to put makeup on to make myself look okay and I can straighten my hair if the occasion calls for it but I’m realising as I branch out into the world of full on girlpants behaviour like sunless tanning, waxing and manicures that I’m pretty clueless actually.
Take this morning when I woke up after a jaunt into the world of tan from a bottle with orange palms, fingerwebs, dirty ankles and a white nose. I look like I’ve had some sort of Tango based accident whilst wearing a gas mask. The tan will fade and next time I have a bash I’ll wear latex gloves and perhaps y’know, exfoliate and moisturise first.
I tried to do a spot of home waxing once; I remember the trauma vividly. It was one of those old style jobs with a big pot of wax, a wooden spatula and some cloth strips a real pain in the arse. I boshed the pot in the microwave and warmed it up for the recommended amount of time, not taking into account the fact that we had a super duper mega microwave and so the nicely warmed pot of wax came out at about 100 degrees. Not possessing much common sense I merrily slopped this scalding hot wax all over my legs and nether regions slid the cloth strips on deciding to wait until it cooled down a bit before wrenching it back off.
Of course by the time it had cooled down it was well and truly stuck, no amount of yanking were going to get those badboys off my body; I was going to have to get used to my new appendages for they were here to stay. Working myself into a panic whilst hopping round the bathroom half naked I was seriously contemplating taking myself to casualty and asking them to slice off the badness with scalpels and make me promise never to go near a pot of wax again.
In reality what I did was stand in the shower for hours under the hottest water I could stand until I could peel the strips off and then exfoliate the shit out of my legs to get rid of the stickiness, swearing to myself I would never go near wax again. Summer is looming though and the temptation to tie myself up in knots whilst ridding myself of body hair and several layers of skin is growing daily, it’s a good thing I know a lot of Doctors, they may need to be on standby for another wax emergency!