Time Machine

Today is the worst day of my year, the day I spend firmly rooted in the past, wishing with all my strength that I could change things.

For me, the 7th July will always be the 7th July 1998, the day before my Mum died. I was 16 and happy, I'd just finished my GCSE exams, had my leaver's prom and was looking forward to a long summer stretching ahead of me. The thought of losing someone I knew, let alone losing a parent simply wasn't on my radar. Of course I knew that there would come a time when my loved ones would die but I'd be older and more able to deal with it, right?Wrong.

I look back and can't help thinking about what I might have done differently had I known that she'd be gone the next day. In the weeks and months following her death I was suddenly consumed by questions I felt I needed answers to, about her childhood, my childhood, her hopes and dreams and even practicalities such as her medical history. Family and her friends have tried to fill in some of the gaps but it will never be the same as being able to sit down with her over a cuppa.

I need to realise that it's not 1998, I'm not that 16 year old girl anymore and I can't change the past, no matter how much I wish I could. Instead I have to face up to being 28 and living without my Mum, something incredible painful even 12 years later.

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4 thoughts on “Time Machine

  1. It's never easy to lose a parent especially so young. I was in my twenties when I lost my dad and I still felt cheated of time I would never get to spend with him.But I could never ever imagine the pain you must have felt and probably still do at the loss of your mother at such a young age. No words from me can help but something that I learnt fom when I lost a parent is now I would rather risk saying the wrong thing than saying nothing at all.Thinking of you on this sad day x x x

  2. Every girl needs her mum. I knew you had lost your mum Ally but I didn't realise it was so sudden. You are a credit to her. I am sure somewhere she is smiling and thinking 'my girl done good' love you babes Lorn xxx

  3. You say 12 years like it's a long time. It feels like yesterday no? I haven't lost a parent but remember my best friend losing her Mum in 1996 during mock GCSE's. Leukaemia, it wasn't sudden. Heartbreaking nonetheless.She went through all the same emotions as you did, it still affects her to this day. No one should lose the anchor in their life so early on.Wherever your Mum is, whatever she's doing, I bet she's bloody proud of you.

  4. I wish we could turn back time and change the painful things in our lives. The truth is that the pain comes from the love we felt, and still feel for the people we miss. It makes us realise how fragile we are and how short our time on earth is.. You are a beautiful woman and your Mum would be extremely proud of you. xoxoxox

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