Twat Magnets and Nigerian Husbands

Duuuuuude, I’m never going to respond positively to the line ‘you look good enough to eat and it’s dinnertime’ because it’s crass, creepy and conjures up disturbing mental images akin to something Armin Miewes would get up to in his spare time.

Do I have a twat magnet in my handbag? What’s up with all the weird creepy guys messaging me? Why can’t a nice gentleman with some manners drop me a line. Is that really too much to ask?

Recently there has been the ‘gent’ (I use that term VERY loosely) who emailed to tell me that he deduced by my dating profile that I was clearly mental and that no man would ever contemplate dating me because I was such a freak – charming isn’t it! I wasn’t offended because he was a knuckle dragging arsewipe who looked like he’d never seen sunlight or ever had an adult conversation and clearly he had FAR too much time on his hands but still, thanksverymuchyoucock. The Computer Geek vetted my profile and says that it is a true representation of my personality so if that fella doesn’t like it he can jog on. What sort of person takes time out of their day on a dating site to send a message like that? I hope karma bites him squarely on the arse.

Just today there has been an email from a guy who got in touch a months ago and we chatted for a while but it never went anywhere, he emailed today ‘to check I am alive’ as he was ‘concerned that I might have done something silly’ because ‘my black and white profile photo looks like it is from a missing persons poster’, WTactualF?

I’m losing count of the number of Nigerian scam type emails I’m getting from guys who think I’d make a good babymother (and probably provide them with the means to stay in the UK legally) and a man took the time to tell me today that I’m the woman he’s been searching for all his life which whilst being very flattering is a little bit weird when we’ve never met or chatted, oh and he’s only TWO YEARS younger than my Dad. Ick!

Maybe I should start arranging some dates with these chaps, they’re clearly the level of man I can attract and their little foibles would make GREAT blog fodder, right? Some might even go as far as reaching the upper echelons of my bad dating experiences and knock ‘Mr Googler’* off the top spot.

*For those not in the know, ‘Mr Googler’ was the guy who not only admitted to googling me before our first date but then sat there and recited facts, not only about me, but about my entire family *shudders*

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4 thoughts on “Twat Magnets and Nigerian Husbands

  1. Its like you took the words out of my brain and wrote them down alot better than I could ever verbalise…I love this post and Im so glad im not alone in this dreadful world of internet dating!!! xxx

  2. Would you seriously choose friends by flipping through a catalogue and reading Bios ? … then why try this exact method for numero uno relationship ? get out there, the kind of things you'd choose to do will lead you to mr right (mr mister right now!)

  3. Emma – Let's start a convent together? With no Internet connection so we can't slip?Spot on Beauty – Glad it's not just me, and actually soooo many ladies have said it's a dreadful world of dating it does make me wonder why on earth we do it….Mysterious Anonymous – Sadly the things I like to do are more activities for one, rather than hobbies a deux… Maybe I just need new hobbies!

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