As of yesterday I have a permanent scar on my heart, an indelible mark left by someone I love dearly accusing me of the most hideous thing imaginable. I felt my heart smash into a million pieces as the situation occurred and I’m left wondering how on earth I’m supposed to move on from it.
I share a lot on this blog but out of respect for the other people who this would hurt I don’t feel I can go in to details, all I can say is that it has made me totally reassess one of the most important relationships in my life. I’m usually good with words but I’m struggling to convey just how utterly destroyed I am at the moment, I feel like an empty shell.
I was driving home from a wedding reception tonight in absolute floods of tears, when I realised I was subconsciously looking for places where I could run my car off the road to cause maximum damage to myself in an attempt to make the person feel even a tiny bit of the pain I am. Fucked up right?
I pulled over on to the hard shoulder and was sobbing so hard I was struggling to breathe and thought I was going to throw up. I heard a knock on my window and it was a policeman who certainly wasn’t expecting to see a young woman in wedding guest finery struggling to breathe whilst wracked by sobs sat on the hard shoulder of the M27. He was brilliant and managed to calm me down enough so I could get on my way again, albeit still with tears streaming down my face.
It feels like someone has opened the floodgates inside me and the tears about what was said have been joined by tears about hurts that are connected to it. I need to have some time to work out where I go from here, how I can start to deal with and process it and how I can move on. At the moment though it feels like nothing will ever be the same again and that there is a very real danger I won’t stop crying and won’t be able to put myself back together again.