Willy W*nker

“I can’t stop singing ‘I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden ticket’ which is annoying because a) it keeps crossing over from just being in my head to being sung out loud and I’m scared my colleagues will batter me to death and b) I don’t know any of the other words so that little phrase is in my head on a permanent loop.

I’m so happy because I’ve accomplished something I’ve wanted for a long while – my first byline in a national publication, add to that it’s my favourite magazine and I’m quite literally dancing. I’ve been harrassing the women in the SU shop for days about when it was going to be in so I marched over there this morning ready to fight her to the death and came away with six copies in my clammy little paws. The woman at the till looked at me like I was mental as she scanned them and couldn’t resist asking ‘who are they all for?’ with a bemused look. I could have been witty and said I was going to build a shelter out of them, or make a boat and sail to France or that I have a Katy Perry fetish, instead I blushed crimson and told her I had my first ever article in it and that I wanted to wallpaper my bedroom with them. Ok so I didn’t say the last bit but I might have thought it….

I have my copies on my desk and I keep opening one to look at the page, it’s very strange seeing my name in print and it’s even stranger seeing my photo staring back at me. Regular readers will know of my best friend Marmaloid and my dear friend Flabs, both of whom also make an appearance in what is one of my favourite photos as taken in Cuba by the very talented (and very handsome) Owen. I’ve felt a little bit naked today though, thankfully not literally as I don’t think many people would appreciate seeing my wobbly bits, but in a metaphorical sense having bared a lot of the shizz I have in my head. It was particularly odd being in the office as various colleagues read the article, I almost wanted to put an embargo on any of them looking at it whilst I was around. Ridiculous huh. I also felt particularly wanky when asked to autograph copies of the article, just like I do whenever I mention my agent but secretly I loved getting the chance to use my best flourishy handwriting even if it did make me feel like I should be wearing a headscarf, long flowy skirt and oodles of silver jewellery, possibly sat near a crystal ball. (No, I don’t know why either).

Speaking of Marmaloid I had an amazing gossip on the phone with her this evening, overdue but well worth the wait, she really is a gem. Letting me use her wedding picture in a national magazine, letting me fictionalise huge chunks of her wedding for my novel, and generally being fricking amazing. My goal for September besides losing more weight is to finally get down to the arse end of the country and spend some proper time with her, over several large glasses of wine!

If you’re new to these parts and would like to keep up with what’s going on with my life and the size of my bottom then you can subscribe to receive updates via email at: http://feeds.feedburner.com/LongTallAllysTalesfromtheScales I promise it’ll only be update emails, I won’t spam you offering viagra or 10% of 100 million dollars that I’ve been left by my dead uncle. Honest.


4 thoughts on “Willy W*nker

  1. Just read your magazine piece – how did you get into my head? I am a size 22 & everything you mention rings a bell. Thank you for being you. and thank you for writing.

  2. What lush comments! Thanks ladies! It's so nice for me to know that other people out there feel the same way, I'd convinced myself I was the only one…. terminally unique that's me 😉 xx

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