Approach With Caution

Had a blissful day off today, slept late, did a bit of housework, pottered about and made lunch for Dubstep (my housemate) who was doing some DIY and then curled up under a blanket on the sofa with my laptop. Spent the afternoon alternately tap-tap-tapping away at the book and organising my gmail accounts and online paperwork. Very dull but very necessary and rather satisfying seeing gmails fly into the trash can.

A non-eventful sort of day, nothing to get het up about and yet here I am in bed in an absolute fouler of a mood which arrived out of nowhere.

I miss PG.

There I said it…

I always knew when we lived together that he was shit at staying in touch, we joked that I was his secretary as his friends would call me to get his whereabouts. I understood all along that he doesn't *do* communication, I knew that, but it still fucking sucks to be ignored. You'd think after five plus years he'd be able to pick up his mobile and text back once in a while. He literally lives up the road (I don't know which house) but he may as well live on MARS.

I'm fed up of making effort to maintain friendships that don't deserve maintenance, that are one sided and toxic and shit. I don't need toxic and shit, I have enough of that inside my head. I don't need other people to make me feel bad about myself because I'd win the 'make Ally feel bad about herself' competition hands down every time without fail.

I'm not good at friendships, I find them really hard work because my natural instinct is to hide away and be a loner. I'm lucky that I have lots of friends who are what I lovingly think of as 'social organisers', those who chivvy me along and keep me social otherwise I don't think I'd ever see ANYONE. I love spending time with every single one of my friends, I wish I could spend *more* time with them in fact but I never feel confident enough to organise anything or to call up a buddy and say 'hey, let's get together'.

Isn't it funny, I whinge about Phill being shite at communication and yet here I am 'fessing up that I'm a social phobic who is scared of checking her voicemail and daunted by her Facebook messages…. Is this where I have to try and combat it by being more socially active?

PS: Lovely friends reading, be nice if you randomly get a phonecall from me to catch up? I'll be bricking it…..

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