Will I Ever Learn?

I thought I had managed to conquer my mirror issues in that I can actually look in them now but it seems the mirror pixies have still been leading me on a merry dance given that at the weekend I ended up with four new tops all of which 2 sizes too big. D’oh.

I was out getting an outfit for the wedding of ‘The Librarian’ and ‘Mr Pocketwatch’, the invitation had plopped onto my doormat months ago and for some reason I had gone completely against type and left organising myself for it to the last possible moment. I wombled into town and decided, rather than relying on the old favourite (Evans) I’d be brave and venture into the sprawling neon monstrosity that is New Look* to try and fit my bum into something. I made it across the threshold without being stopped by the fashion police and pointed in the direction of the local camping shop’s tent display and after some surreptitous peeking and practicing my defence (‘Oh I’m looking for a present for a friend’) in case I was accosted, I found the plus size range tucked away in the back corner.

I was actually hoping that there would also be a plus size changing room just so I wouldn’t have to queue up with the absolutely TINY girls waiting to try on scraps of material barely bigger than postage stamps. I was praying veryhardindeed whilst queuing that common sense would prevail and that New Look would have done away with the communal changing room of days gone by. I was bloody relieved to be ushered into a nice private cubicle meaning I could get my wobbly bits out in peace.

I was fricking overjoyed at being able to fit into the tops I’d chosen and also pleased that they were both flattering and bordering on trendy (ooh get me) so I merrily skipped to the till and handed over an amount of money that would have only bought me one top when I was at my biggest. It was only when I got home and tried them on again that I realised the error of my ways…. I had four bad cases of sag where the fabric was congregating under my armpits and one top in particular made me look a little bit like I was hiding a 24 week pregnancy bump due to the amount of free fabric.

Tail between my legs I had to trek back to town and confess to the shop assistant that I’d been a bit of a dick and yes please I’d like to change all these four tops thankyouverymuch. When she clocked that I was dropping down several sizes she gave me a look to say ‘you’re clearly unhinged, haven’t you heard of a changing room‘ before sending me on my way. So there I am, new clothes in my wardrobe in the smallest size I’ve had for a VERY long time.

I headed back to the ‘Shire for the wedding which was lovely but shall also go down as the most unconventional day I have ever been involved in. It was brilliant to spend time with old friends in a nice chilled environment especially with the weather being absolutely scorching but it was a bit of a shame that due to being rushed off my feet on Saturday due to my sartorial mishap I only got to see Dad and F for about five minutes in passing on the landing. F said that she’d dug out my prom dress and it was hanging the en suite door downstairs if I wanted it.

It was such a gorgeous dress, handmade (I was already massive at 16) from really beautiful fabric in a cheongsam style and horrifically expensive. I took the dress off the hanger and tried it on, 12 years after I wore it. I was horrified to find that it was too big for me! I say horrified because it means that however big I still am now, I’m smaller than I was at 16 which in turn means I was MUCH bigger at 16 than I realised, something I didn’t ever really realise. I mean obviously I knew I was bigger than my peers but I was so good at stopping myself from facing up to it that after a while I wasn’t aware of how much things got out of hand.

The one good thing about being smaller than I am now than I was at 16 is that it means in a weird way, I’ve undone the worst of the damage I put my body through after Mum died and now I just have to do this last little bit to get to where I should be. Could the end finally be in sight?!

*seriously I need sunglasses to go in there, it burns my retinas.


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