It hit me earlier, I still think I’m fat as fuck. I can’t see the difference really between photos then and photos now, I mean I probably smile a bit more now but to me I’m still Jabba the Hut.
My housemate has invited friends over tonight for fireworks and mulled cider before they go out clubbing and I am currently trapped in my living room fighting the mental demons that are making me feel ‘not good enough’. They’re in the kitchen drinking round the table which they’ve pulled away from the wall so they can all fit round it. So far so good. My head is telling me though that I am too fat to fit through the remaining space to get to the safety of my bedroom. Ridiculous huh?
I’m embarrassed as they’re all skinny, outgoing and gorgeous and I feel like a bloody water buffalo stomping about the place. I’m mortified by the idea that I might have to ask them to shove their chair in so I can squeeze past, I imagine them commenting on it after I leave the room, “look at that fatty” they’d say.
When I was at my biggest, even if the gap between the person at the table and the nearest wall/object was as wide as the Sargasso sea the person would see me coming and shift their chair in as far as it would go regardless. It was a silent acknowledgement that I stood out like a sore thumb and was there to be looked down upon and either pitied or ridiculed.
I should be over this now right? I should be more at peace with my body and yet I still have evil pixies inside screaming at me every second of the day that I’m not good enough, not clever enough, not attractive enough and sometimes it gets SO tiring. Why can’t I get some peace sometimes? Why do I have to have the internal terrorist chatter 24/7?
How do you go about getting over it? I’m fed up with feeling like this and I’m fed up of wittering on in posts like this – they happen all too often and they SUCK. I could listen to people telling me I’m not Jabba the Hut, not ugly, not stupid, not bad until they’re blue in the face but what am I supposed to do until I start believing it myself?