Mental Fatness

It hit me earlier, I still think I’m fat as fuck. I can’t see the difference really between photos then and photos now, I mean I probably smile a bit more now but to me I’m still Jabba the Hut.

My housemate has invited friends over tonight for fireworks and mulled cider before they go out clubbing and I am currently trapped in my living room fighting the mental demons that are making me feel ‘not good enough’. They’re in the kitchen drinking round the table which they’ve pulled away from the wall so they can all fit round it. So far so good. My head is telling me though that I am too fat to fit through the remaining space to get to the safety of my bedroom. Ridiculous huh?

I’m embarrassed as they’re all skinny, outgoing and gorgeous and I feel like a bloody water buffalo stomping about the place. I’m mortified by the idea that I might have to ask them to shove their chair in so I can squeeze past, I imagine them commenting on it after I leave the room, “look at that fatty” they’d say.

When I was at my biggest, even if the gap between the person at the table and the nearest wall/object was as wide as the Sargasso sea the person would see me coming and shift their chair in as far as it would go regardless. It was a silent acknowledgement that I stood out like a sore thumb and was there to be looked down upon and either pitied or ridiculed.

I should be over this now right? I should be more at peace with my body and yet I still have evil pixies inside screaming at me every second of the day that I’m not good enough, not clever enough, not attractive enough and sometimes it gets SO tiring. Why can’t I get some peace sometimes? Why do I have to have the internal terrorist chatter 24/7?

How do you go about getting over it? I’m fed up with feeling like this and I’m fed up of wittering on in posts like this – they happen all too often and they SUCK. I could listen to people telling me I’m not Jabba the Hut, not ugly, not stupid, not bad until they’re blue in the face but what am I supposed to do until I start believing it myself?

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5 thoughts on “Mental Fatness

  1. I'm brand new to your tales Ally, but I wanted to say (a) Wow, go you… followed by (b) I utterly hear ya girl… followed by (c) I'm not sure it *is* that easy to get over without some assistance. One of best friends is exactly the same – whatever she weighs, she sees the same lardy-bum in the mirror. It could be worse – I look in mine and see someone thinner! I feel wonderfully confident leaving the house but by the time I catch a glimpse of my blimp-like reflection in some shop window, I want to curl up and die. You probably have a smidge of BDD, but it'll sort itself. Your demons might need an alternative banish-route though. That's a touch harder, but you'll get there! I bow down at your greatness! xxx

  2. Probably not going to be the most constructive of comments, but everyone I know, myself included has felt like this for at least part of their life. Self-doubt plagues us all, whether it is related to weight, intelligence, looks, anything, deep inside each and every person is a small child having a cry because someone is better looking/skinnier/more popular/etc than they are. You might not be able to see right now how much you have achieved and how beautiful and amazing a lady you are, but the rest of us can, and we support you 100%, even if you don't!Sarah xxx

  3. In my head I try ignore just how big I am but just recently I find myself avoiding the rides at Alton Towers just in case I get "get stuck" and it fills me with horror!! I feel your pain but think you should move forward with the smaller you xxx

  4. Sorry am a bit late catching up with your loverly blog :)Had to comment on this… not because I'm going to pretend to know exactly how you feel with the weight thing as I can't, but to say I completely relate to this in other ways. For me it's all about confidence – if I was in that situation and I knew getting to my room/the bathroom/anywhere involved squeezing past people or even just them noticing me my heart would probably get faster just thinking about making a move – which sounds ridiculous too, but for some reason in a group that's how I sometimes feel. (Wine helps). It's weird how we all seem to think the same way about the groups we're with – the few times I've met you in a group I'd say you were one of the most outgoing and confident people there, while I felt like I didn't belong because I don't look right (especially true of tweet meets, where I dread someone going 'Oh. You don't look like your picture'). Not sure what the answer is, so let me know if you find it… just know that we all have these stupid thoughts and the best thing to do is argue with them xxx

  5. @ Sam – Thanks my lovely, I completely agree about the BDD and the demons well, I know they’re going to take some serious arse kicking but I’ll get there. It’s really reassuring to hear that other people see themselves in the same way. Obviously I’d rather that everyone was body confident and nobody had to suffer but at the same time, at least it’s not just me! Xx@ Sarah – Thank you darling, I know I’m so lucky with all the love and support I get, I’m spoilt! Xx@ Emma – I went through the phase when I first lost weight that suddenly I wasn’t worrying about where I was going to sit and whether I’d break the chair or get my bum stuck but for some reasons those feelings have come flooding back recently so I know exactly how you’re feeling. Xx@ Judy Jayface – The times I’ve met you I’ve thought exactly the same about you, you’re so outgoing and confident and frankly, I’m in awe of the way you can chat to anyone and everyone, particularly handsome fellas! I like the idea of arguing with the thoughts but that might just be because I’m a bit bolshy 😉 xxx

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