Oh dearie me. In narcissism terms I have truly surpassed myself this weekend. I have plumbed new depths previously unreached which is ironic given I'm about to tell you how shallow I caught myself being.
"Pickle can I have a word?" At home for 'Christmas' with the family, my Dad called me into his bedroom for a quiet chat about why his back was hurting. Now normally my Dad is the sort of fella who will just say it like it is so when he called me away from everyone else to talk to me, alarm bells started ringing. Loudly.
Just like most people I always considered my Dad to be indestructible, he's a big strong man and looked robust, as though nothing was ever going to slow him down let alone stop him. Then he got ill and my life flipped upside down (but I didn't have to move in with my Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air). Suddenly my warrior dad was reduced to looking like Monty Burns from 'The Simpsons', yellow, wrinkly and very frail.
I was forced to face my parent's mortality when Mum died and so now I'm on high alert for signs of Dad being ill or showing his age. Thus my heart was pounding out of my chest and as I was walking to my Dad's room I shot my brother Humphrey Big Bear a look that said 'Help?' and was not much calmed by the look back which clearly said 'It's okay. Ish'.
So there I am sat on the behemoth that is my Dad's bed and he starts to tell me what's been going on. It's not brilliant news and before long the tears are sliding down my face and I descend into anguished sobbing. He hugs me close and is telling me it's all going to be okay when I glance up and catch sight of myself in the mirror.
"God I look bloody skinny"…
"Wow, I make crying look gooooood"…
Okay so I didn't verbalise those, they remained firmly inside my swede but I still probably deserve to be struck down in a heavenly thunderbolt for being so blooming shallow.