The Bic Dick

*leans in to whisper*

Okay so don’t tell anyone right but I’m bloody loving my job. This week has flown past and I’m really excited to get back to the office on Monday morning, what the fuck is wrong with me? Add to that the three healthy and nutritious meals a day that I’ve scarfed down over the past week and I’m left wondering if zombies have swapped my brain with someone else.

It’s not all gone without a hitch however, like yesterday when I dropped a mug full of ice cold water all over myself, my keyboard and the beautiful tiled floor in front of several of the hottest Thunderbirds (my colleagues). Embarrassing but even that pales into insignificance compared to the biro debarcle.

I’m over in the Ops Block (where the Thunderbirds plan and activate their rescue missions) eating lunch in the dirty mess when I decide I need a wee, so far so normal bladder activity. Whilst eating my tuna salad and plain oatcakes (seriously, what the fuck?) I had been gazing into the workshop at the hot men in their boiler suits (like the orange ones from Armageddon) with a biro dangling out of my mouth. Got to the loo, whipped my keks down and parked my bottom on the seat. Decided I didn’t want the pen in my mouth but didn’t want to put it on the floor so decided to rest it in the gusset of my knickers. Widdled, wiped, flushed, zipped up, washed, gone.

I got back to my desk and had been sat there feeling uncomfortable for about ten minutes when it occurred to me… I hadn’t picked my biro back out of my gusset and yes that umconfortable feeling was indeed a blue bic biro nestled in my vaginal area. OH DEAR. I had given myself a Bic Dick.

Thankfully the biro was extricated and disposed of without drawing too much attention to it and I even managed to keep my mouth shut about it. I am afflicted by a dire need to ‘share’ and so I wager by the end of next week the entire base will know about my itimate bic experience and I’ll be known as ‘that weird temp’. Acers.

I’m off into the land of book writing until Monday morning but will update on the flip side once it’s all finished and sent off and I can breathe a MASSIVE sigh of relief. Wish me luck!


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