It might seem insignificant but I’ve done something I’ve never thought for a million years I’d be able to do, I’ve lost weight. I know you’re all probably scratching your heads and wondering what I’m talking about when this entire blog is about the weight I’ve lost and how I’ve been dealing, or in some cases not dealing with it. This loss is different though because it’s all off my own back without the aid of surgery or stupid meal replacement milkshakes that make you poo pellets like a rabbit, if at all.
The surgery saved my life let’s make no bones about that, without the surgery I would be dead by now and I can’t begin to make you comprehend how it feels that I was given a second chance at life. However as someone once said having gastric surgery is like fitting a stomach muzzle, you can’t fail to lose weight because you can’t physically get the food in to stay the size you were unless you go down the route of liquidizing donuts and choffing down Ben & Jerry’s at every meal.
My surgeon didn’t and couldn’t operate on my feelings and coping strategies no matter how brilliant he is, and he really is wonderful. I was left with the same issues to deal with and the same responses as I’d always had, the urge to stuff my face whenever anything happened. I had been in the clutches of an eating disorder for many years and even though it loosened its grip on me slightly post surgery I wasn’t free and clear of it and didn’t think I’d ever be.
I know now that I won’t ever be completely free of it, it will always be lurking ready to strike when I’m least expecting it but I feel more ready to deal with it now. For the past week and a half I’ve eaten three healthy meals a day and it might not be much compared with how much I still have to go but I’ve lost 3 pounds (the equivalent of a shih tzu baby). I’m not ashamed to say I’m bloody chuffed either, the idea of just eating three meals a day might seem like a walk in the park to you lot but in all seriousness it’s something I haven’t done since I left primary school. Going to secondary school meant stopping eating breakfast, one of those girlish ideas that I thought would mean I’d become all twig like and gorgeous and suddenly not feel like an ogre. It failed.
The huge thing for me has been getting myself used to eating three times a day, my body is slowly starting to expect food on a regular basis as opposed to the ‘binge and starve’ routine I’ve always put it through before. It’s only a tiny start but I’m so proud that it is something tangible that I’ve achieved through making the right choices. I just hope I can keep it up and put my food demons firmly where they belong, in the distant past.