Yesterday was the most miserable day of my life and if I never have another day as bad then it shall still be too soon. I woke up in a non-specified grump, or to put it more accurately a monumental arse where deep breathing and teeth clenching were the order of the day. I made it through until about lunchtime when a situation boiled over and the tears arrived in massive doses. Once the damn had burst it was impossible to stop and I spent the rest of the day trying to do my job whilst claiming ‘I have something in my eye’ with a remix of ‘I’ve just used some eye drops’ for good measure. It’s a great professional look to be sat crying doing your job two days before you have an interview to make it a permanent thing, I’m a shoo in now huh!
The tears came when I got a text from PG confirming that he was up for Amsterdam and that so was his new girlfriend Metatarsal as long as she could meet us beforehand. It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the gut and I started bawling like a baby at the thought of having to be around them, the happy couple. Ridiculous huh? The issue of my feelings for PG is long and boring and has been heavily documented through the years but for the benefit of any newbies:
PG and I used to live together and both being single meant that it became all too easy (for me) to view him as a stand-in boyfriend, the handy man about the house, the plus one for functions and the man to bicker with about life, the universe and everything. There were numerous wobbles about whether I was in love with him, several occasions where I was convinced that I was, a night where we got verrrry drunk and there was kissing (no tongues), and then came the arguments, the arguments, the arguments, and we decided to move out and go our separate ways. That in itself felt like we were getting a divorce after so long being under the same roof, we joked at the time about dividing up our friends and I howled like my life was ending because at that moment in time, it felt like it was.
It clearly wasn’t the end of my life however and has been the best thing that could have happened as it stopped me from becoming further reliant on this fake relationship shit that I’d been leaning on for so long but I honestly wasn’t expecting it to hit me so hard when he then went and found himself a squeeze. I spoke to the First Lobster about it last night over a couple of bottles of wine (her in Birmingham with one, me in Southampton with the other!) and she asked the question “What’s it all about Al (fieeeeeee)?”. Being that she is a Welshie I’d have secretly loved her to have asked “Oh! What’s occurin’?” a la Nessa but sadly she failed me. Last night I couldn’t answer what it was all about, this morning I still wasn’t sure but I reckon for the good of my noggin I should have a damn good go.
I miss him. I miss having him around as a friend but also because I am lame I miss the ‘companionship’ and having a plus one on hand. It made me feel less lonely in the ‘single spinster’ way and although it clearly wasn’t a healthy position for me to put myself in it felt a lot nicer than being so floored by his new girlfriend that my eyes keep leaking at inopportune moments. I don’t want to BE with PG but I don’t want anyone else to be with him either because it means that whatever we had is now officially over. Plus the fact that he was ‘Mr Independent Single Cat About Town’ and yet now even HE has settled down is just making me even more bleurgh about the fact I’ve been single for so very long and scared that I’m never going to find someone who’ll love me when I find it such a pain in the goddamn arse to love myself.
Add to that an argument with a friend last night that made me feel physically sick and yesterday was a complete and utter write off. I loathe arguing as it provokes such a strong physical reaction in me, I shake, I sweat and I have to try hard not to vomit all over the place. I’ve mentioned before but due to the head stuff, if I argue with someone I always end up feeling like the worst person in the history of the entire world, an horrific friend, a devil, someone who is simply no good, and it takes a while to recover from that even if I’ve not been the one in the wrong/nobody’s really at fault.
In a nutshell then, Wednesday you fucking sucked.