Last night I was supposed to be going and seeing my girls Chicken and Mermaid for dinner and girl talk and I was really looking forward to it all day until I got home and the little black cloud I’d been successfully keeping at bay descended in a big way and I couldn’t face leaving the house. Couldn’t summon up the energy to do anything other than lie in bed staring at my bookshelf hoping that suddenly I’d snap out of it get in the car and go and see the girls.
I just couldn’t do it. I mean, I probably could have done had I tried hard enough but the prospect of getting to Chicken’s and either sitting there staring blankly at her bookshelf or worse falling through the door in floods of tears was just too much to bear. My friends have enough going on in their lives without my depression coming home to roost amongst us. I would hate to be seen as a burden and although I know they’d all stamp their feet and protest loudly that they’d never think of me in such a way I still don’t want to put my friends through it which is why it’s easier to clamber into bed, pull the duvet over my head and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a while when things get bad. I’m desperately hoping that this latest low mood is still Mum related because it means that hopefully come Saturday when the anniversary has passed for another year I shall start to perk up and be back to my normal self soon. I can’t bear the thought that this crappy shitty can’t function properly mood might carry on into next week and beyond as if it does there’ll be no telling when it might end.
Apart from me being a little bit feisty at work (which could be attributed to being sat next to a serious contender for world’s grumpiest man) I think I’m doing a pretty good job of holding it together 8-4. Granted I sigh every time the phone rings as I have to try and put on my bestest perky receptionist voice but on the whole I think it’s difficult to tell I’m in a bad way. I think I’m using all of my energy in staying upright in the office so that when I get home all I’m good for is collapsing into a heap of uselessness and despair. Talk about melodramatic.