Ground, Swallow Me Whole.

What's the most excruciating situation that you can imagine for someone to recognise you in? Perhaps buying super plus tampons in Asda (excruciating because even though the size is to do with flow, you pop a box of those in your basket and automatically start panicking that everyone thinks you have a flange as wide set as the Channel Tunnel). Or maybe being recognised when you've had too many and are rolling around in the gutter with vomit in your hair might make you want to shrivel up and die? Well ladies and gents, I believe I can top absolutely any embarrassing recognition stories. Ever.

Picture the scene. Being a responsible woman of the world I'd toddled along to my local walk-in clinic for a check up "down there" and having sat furiously trying not to make eye contact with anyone for a jaw clenching amount of time a chippy little nurse eventually came out and called me through to the torture chamber.

After the standard "how much of a freak are you in the bedroom" question and answer session I assumed the position, legs spread, arms behind head, stare furiously at a neutral point on the wall and pray silently you don't fanny fart, or worse ACTUAL fart in the nurse's face. I could feel my kegel muscles snap shut like a Venus flytrap and so when nursey gurned at me holding a rather large speculum in her hand I could have already told her she'd have a fight on her hands. She wrestled the speculum into my fanny whilst apologising that it was a bit stiff and didn't want to tighten properly. When she eventually got it sorted I didn't have the heart to tell her she'd got some of my pubes caught in the mechanism – I hoped my wincing face and the tears in my eyes would alert her to my vaginal predicament but alas she left me there legs akimbo while she went to find some spiky swabby things.

After what seemed like AN AGE she returned and we resumed chatting about menial things like the weather and my job as a thunderbird as well as the book when mid scrape of a sample she looked up at me from her position at the coal face of my fanny and said "You're Long Tall Ally!"

I actually died. I swear I left the bed and was floating around looking down on the scene whilst in the queue to kick it with some cherubs on the flip side of the pearly gates. I could see my bright red face and hear my "abadaba" attempts at speech. I somehow managed to pull it together enough to mutter "yes, I err am" before nursey saw the error of her ways saying "sorry, that's probably a bit strange". It turns out she is a loyal reader here so I'd like to take a moment to say hello and to thank you for warming your hands before touching my bits!!


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