Today I was brave and told a lovely boy that I just want to be friends. It would have been easier to go along with it and potentially find myself in a relationship but it wouldn't have been right. It's something I've wanted for so long that for it to come along and for me to wave it goodbye again before it really arrived is a very strange feeling.
I couldn't handle him being lovely and giving me compliments, I actively had to stop myself from calling him a liar, blind, stupid or a combination of the three when he told me I was beautiful or cool or sexy. It took every fibre in my being to think of a response other than "shut up you're lying" and in the end I copped out and said that I was having difficulty in not calling him a stupid liar.
I had to apply the brakes before the wheels came off and my neurotic needy jealous mistrusting side came out and scared him away anyway. My complete lack of self esteem means I can't believe when people are nice to me and therefore find it really hard to trust people. The idea of opening up and letting someone get close to me physically and emotionally is too scary to contemplate. I know I will have to do it one day but I need to do some work on myself before I am ready to face it.
People have said it all along but I am finally seeing the truth behind the addage that you need to be happy/love yourself before you can be happy with/love anyone else. I just wish I knew how to be happy with and in love with myself so I don't end up alone.