Lesbians, Little White Lies and Lipglossiping

Driving home tonight I was having a full on rant about a person who had pissed me off, they weren’t in the car but I was determined to get all the things I should have said off my chest. I was so wound up that my stomach started to hurt and I could feel a vein in my temple throbbing. Not cool.

Suddenly I remembered a tip I read somewhere the other day to sing any negative thoughts to the tune of “Happy Birthday”. Conscious of the need to calm down a bit before meeting my lovely friend Lipglossiping I gave it a whirl. Turning the radio down I belted out:

“Yes I think you’re a twat, you have no manners, if you speak to me like that again then I’ll punch you in the face”. (go on, sing it!)

I couldn’t help but smile as I realised how ridiculous it was and how silly I must have sounded and I started to laugh. A LOT. Before I knew it my mood had calmed and I had a smile on my face. It’s definitely a technique I’ll be using again.

Walking through the shopping centre I clocked the film rental man from a mile off and steadfastly tried to avoid his gaze but it was no good, “Excuse me Madam”
“Sorry! I’m already a customer!” I trilled. A total lie but he wasn’t to know.

I met with lovely Lipglossiping to have a coffee, chat and shop (a Pret ‘n’ Shop) and it was really nice to see her. We caught up over lardy cream laden hot drinks and then had a mooch round the shops. I was good and didn’t buy anything but I relished my role as enabler that’s for sure!

After a couple of hours shopping we stopped for another drink and feeling my bladder was about to explode I excused myself and headed for the ladies. I’d almost reached the safety of the escalator when I heard a familiar voice, “Excuse me Madam, do you watch movies?”
Balls. It was Mr Movie trying to lure me into his web of monthly payments,
“Still a customer!” I shrieked, by this time concerned I was about to piss myself. Clearly knowing I was lying he was undeterred,
“What package are you on?” Fuck.
“I don’t know, my girlfriend sorted it out!” I yelled at him before escaping down the escalator.

Why the fuck did I say that?! I don’t have a boyfriend let alone an imaginary girlfriend! I like girls but not in that way and really why didn’t I just say “I can’t remember”.

What a nob.


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