What Do I Do?

I hate being depressed. I hate feeling like I’m wading through treacle with a lead weight on my back just to get the normal tasks completed but the thing that gets stuck in my craw the most is those fleeting moments where everything is okay and I’m happy and productive and not mentally obsessing, beating myself up or pretending I’m alright is that they are just that, fleeting.

If I’m very honest the depression makes me want to give up writing because it hangs over me like a heavy weight, I feel guilty when I’m not writing and am unmotivated and I feel like nothing I write is good enough when I do churn stuff out. It makes me want to stop trying to get the book published because the first book has been such a struggle, such an effort to get any of it written or edited that I can’t imagine ever actually finishing a second book.

It just feels like it would be much easier to put my manuscript on the shelf to gather dust and become a ‘what might have been’ story to tell the grandchildren.

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6 thoughts on “What Do I Do?

  1. Dont give up! We all have a voice in our head telling us we’re rubbish and we can’t do stuff, but it’s wrong. You can’t switch it off but you can keep telling yourself it’s wrong. If you didn’t have a talent for writing you wouldn’t have had an interest in the first place. It’s hard work but you can do it.

    1. Thanks Robin. I think it’s just tiring because the doubt is so relentless and it doesn’t seem to slow down no matter how much I tell myself it is wrong. I guess I’ll just keep chipping away…! x

  2. My Dad and his final chapter-less book would tell you not to give up on it. The stuffs that are worth the most in life are never easy to come by, some seem fucking impossible but you’ll get there. One of my greatest comforts in life come from two words. One Day. Since I was a teenager, I’ve always fated everything I’ve ever wanted to do to “One Day”. Ok, so that One Day has still not arrived for many things but having a bit of blind faith never did anyone any harm. As long as it’s in yourself and no-one else.

    1. I’d forgotten about your Dad’s book! I suppose it’ll be way more of a regret not to try than to try and find I’m not cut out for it after all. Hey, since when did you get so wise? 😉 xx

  3. This all sounds way too familiar to me. I have the same thoughts when it comes to trying to be a writer and am sick of feeling guilty whenever I don’t get a blog done, still haven’t come up with a bestselling novel idea or pitched to a magazine, but it’s hard not to when so many others are doing it and doing it well.

    But depression is a horrible illness and you can’t let it stop you from doing something you are so so good at – I refuse to believe you could ever write anything bad, you have this fantastic blog that so many of us love reading, I can’t wait to read your book and have heard very good things about it already, and it’s inspiring people like you that keep me in this industry. I think you’d feel a lot worse if you had to tell your grandchildren that you regret not getting your book out there – and they’ll be proud of you for trying xxx

    1. Ahh JudyJayFace I could and should definitely be saying the same thing to you about being inspiring, you churn out so much wonderful work and have so much drive and ambition, I’m in awe. I think the key is to not compare ourselves to others, ‘don’t compare to despair’ which is easy to say but not so easy to carry out! We’ll get there in the end kid because what other choice do we have?! xxx

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