Self Consciousness Rules OK!

This chap at work had taken to calling me ‘Falice’ with a cheeky grin and a nod of the head which may have be in response to me calling him ‘McVities’ and winding him up about smelling of biscuits because he’d clearly been at the St Tropez. So far so normal on the banter front, except it was giving me a prickly uncomfortable feeling and I didn’t like it.

Because I thought he was calling me ‘Fat Alice’ on the sly.

It’s made me realise that all the bullying I was subjected to has really stuck with me, I caught myself singing this song that my elder brother’s friend used to sing about me and several times I’ve said some of the really grim nicknames out loud when trying to talk myself into doing something I don’t want to do. So much for the carrot or the stick, with me it’s the stick, the whip and the boot up the jacksy.

I started to stew on it a bit because I knew I’d never have the nuts to nip it in the bud and I had visions of it growing in popularity until the whole office were at it and it would stick like gum on the sole of your shoe. Nicknames seem to be a pretty big deal round here and I was running the risk of being stuck with one I hated and worse, one that took me back to being so unhappy at school.

I saw him today strolling (oh yes, he strolls about all cool and laidback) through the work canteen having not clocked me but then our eyes met across the counter,

“Alright Falice?”

My heart sank because I knew it was the perfect opportunity to call him out about it whilst nobody else was around to hear me be so pathetic. I squared my shoulders in an attempt to look confident in stature if nothing else,

“Why do you call me Falice?”

He laughed, “Why not?”

Undeterred I carried on,

“Well, what’s it from?”

He looked at me like I was stupid,

“Falice?” he said as if he was explaining how to breathe,

I looked blankly at him wondering if he was about to admit calling me Falice because of the size of my arse….

 “Another word for penis?” he laughed, “Don’t tell me you don’t know what that is…”

Ohhhhhh. He was calling me phallus! Yet somehow being called a dick on a daily basis didn’t offend me. Instead it put the biggest smile on my face as I called him a cock, dropped him a wink and walked off.

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