‘Twas the night before the party and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even the gigantic teddy bear that Long Tall Ally drunkenly bid on and won for an obscene amount of money at the last big party she went to.
Yes folks, I’m off to a glam do tomorrow night where the chance to make a knob of myself is quite high given that it is my work Chrimbo party. Thankfully it’s not in the office so there’ll be no shenanigans in the stationery cupboard (or sound proof booth in our case) and nobody will be photocopying their T&A however there is a FREE BAR. Recipe for potential disaster right? Especially when LTA is wearing a very low cut dress and there is a dance floor.
I hummed and hawwed about going because I was feeling crap and thought I’d be mistaken for a baby elephant in my grey dress but sanity prevailed and this Cinderella shall be going to the ball.
However, unlike last time I got all gussied up and went out raving I shall not:
Drunkenly bid on ridiculous items that will 1) gather dust in my room or 2) see me end up making a tit of myself on national radio.
Spend the night (drunkenly) thinking that my womanly charms (tits) were so captivating that the openly gay exceptionally camp celebrity on my table was ‘checking me out’ and not in fact eyeing up the young lad sat behind me.
Give my number to a 20 year old barman and almost be convinced to let him come back to my room conveniently sandwiched between my Dad and Stepbrother’s rooms.
Kick my shoes off within the first half hour.
Get so bastard drunk that I actually make people worry that I may be about to cark it at breakfast the next morning.
Be a model of poise and sophistication.
Make polite small talk about worldly topics such as what Finland smells like or Rachel Crow’s X Factor USA reaction.
Charm the socks off management and be made Queen of the company.
Not get riotously drunk and vomit a) in my handbag b) over myself c) in a taxi.
Refrain from inappropriate behaviour.
Oh fuck who am I kidding, I’m going to get drunk, kick my shoes off and dance round my handbag whilst chatting shit and flirting with inappropriate people and I cannot sodding wait!