443: All About Me

I’ve had to make peace with my past ever since I brought it well out into the open by getting the entire sorry mess tattooed inside my left wrist in three small digits. I’ve always talked about it on the blog, indeed the entire blog is based on the size of my arse, but this is different.

This is about holding my head up high (and taking a deep breath and clenching my fists) and being honest when someone spies the tattoo and utters the question, “What’s 443?” I have a standard response that I trot out but I’m yet to have two people react in the same way and understandably there are always more questions. When asked I say “It’s the weight I was when the Doctor told me I wouldn’t make it to thirty unless something changed. I had it tattooed on my thirtieth birthday.” I then usually try and change the subject because although I’m not ashamed of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come I don’t like the attention being centred on me for too long. Some people take it totally in their stride before saying something congratulatory and moving on, some want to know all the gory details of the op, some want to know how it ever got that bad (that’s a very difficult one to be faced with), and quite a few demand to see a picture of me at my heaviest, the friend on Saturday night fell into the latter category and told me I am unrecognisable as that girl.

On the outside I know I’m still fat and it’s only recently that I’ve started to feel that my body has changed, I’m mentally shedding the weight now as well as physically. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the tiny percentage of people who look at me now and make it patently clear that they’re thinking “fuck me you’re massive” because it makes me want to scream and shout and rage, “if only you fucking knew” I’d shout, “I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t walk upstairs without getting seriously out of breath, I ALMOST ATE MYSELF TO DEATH” I’d screech, “so yes I might not be a Polly Pocket teeny girl with a bottom like two boiled eggs in a hankie but I’m pretty fucking special sunshine and don’t you forget it”.

Except I don’t, I let them get to me. Their judgementally wanky “if you’re not thin you’re not in” schtick stressing me out. It chips away at my confidence and makes me feel shit. The tattoo is as much a reminder of how far I have come and how much I have been through as it is a testament to quite how shit it was back then and it’s permanent, I’m permanently stuck with it. It turns out though that I didn’t need anything inked on me as a reminder, the mental scars of the way I was treated and the way I thought and felt about myself (and still do most of the time) will be with me long after the ink fades.

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9 thoughts on “443: All About Me

  1. you’re soooooooooooo ‘fucking special sunshine’ soooooo special..
    thank you for this beautiful post. It’s so important to share this..then we can one day put an end to this judgementally wanky “if you’re not thin you’re not in” schtick.
    xxx

    1. Yes! Let’s do it Lucy! You can start your sexual revolution (which I am LOVING by the way) and I’ll start a campaign to end bottom size prejudice… Beautiful bottoms for all! xx

  2. Darling. I have told you this before and will happily repeat for as long as you need reminding…you are BEAUTIFUL…inside and out. I think what you have done, your bravery and strength, are amazing. I look at photos of you and simply think what gorgeous smiling eyes you have, what a lovely face, and how kind you have been to me – weight (& weight-loss) don’t come in to it. It’s hard to let (often unintentionally thoughtless) peoples comments slide, I know, but remember you have many of us who love you and care about YOU…nothing else matters. My only niggle is that I don’t see you as much as I’d like to! xx

  3. You do know the saying ‘I can lose the weight but you’ll always be a bitch’ right? You’re brilliant. You’re inspiring. You’re changing and have changed so much already, whereas anyone who dares give you a look or comment (let me at ’em!) will always be a judgemental douchebag who’ll never inspire anyone in their poxy little life, frankly.

    I always thought the tattoo sounded like a great idea but I hope you look down at it and see it as a positive rather than the negative stuff. If not it’s time for another reminder that does just that! xx

    1. You have come so far! You are an inspiraiton and I love this quote…
      Food for thought: “My world is expanding as my butt is shrinking”.
      Go Alice!!!! x

  4. Remember when I came to see you ‘on the inside’? that was fun times. I never did get to meet the lady with the sex addiction! Anyways, vvv looking forward to seeing you at the wedding, if ur lucky I’ll show you my new tattoo. I know, who’d have thought it!?
    Much love
    X

    1. That was without doubt the MOST bizarre Christmas I’ve ever experienced. I remember you were heart broken because you’d just broken up with whatsherface and now look at you, about to be married and with your future wife’s name tattooed on you! (is it at least in a non rude, suitable for viewing in a public place part of your anatomy??)

      Looking forward to seeing you and the new Mrs Morts xx

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