Another year older, another year without you. 365 more days of not being able to hear you laugh, watch you light up the room and ask you those niggly little questions that only you knew the answer to. Since turning thirty I’ve felt closer to you than I ever have even though I’m now further away from you than I ever have been. I think it’s to do with finally feeling more comfortable in my own skin and growing in my confidence so that maybe one day I can light up a room like you did. I’m not quite there on the ‘voice like a fine red wine’ and I’ll never be as glamorous as you were in a month of Sunday’s but I like to think I have your ability to make everyone feel loved and special and your wicked sense of humour. Plus the ability to make up nonsense words at the drop of a hat, a love of big jewellery and a ferocious appetite for books.
Life is continuing at a scary pace, S is 5 in a few weeks and a proper little boy, the spitting image of G and growing like a weed. He loves school, is doing really well in his swimming lessons and is just a delight. He’s very excited about his birthday and even more excited about the fact that K is due to give birth to his little brother at the end of the summer. I wish they lived closer and I got to see them more but I always know G has got my back and will be looking out for me as only a big brother can. Speaking of G! You’d be so proud as having had a knock back a few months ago he’s been busting his butt in the gym and last week passed the fitness tests to enter the Fire service – we’re all over the moon for him.
L&A are both retiring this summer, and B & G have become grandparents for the first time to a beautiful little boy, both a sure fire way to mark the passing of time since you’ve been gone. It makes me so happy to see L&A so happy together as you always championed them as a couple and they are heartily in love, it’s a beautiful reminder of your intuition and desire to see other people happy. They are making good on their promise to look out for me and keep me knowing I’m loved and spending time with them is a joy because I learn more about the real you, the side I never saw as your daughter.
I’m happy in my life Mum, I know it’s all you ever wanted. It’s not been easy, it’s not gone as expected or even hoped for and there is still a lot left to be worked out but for the most part I wake up with a smile on my face and love in my heart and I can’t ask for much more. I try not to think about what life would be like if you were still here as it’s too painful and I can’t spend too much time in the past – I have to focus on the future and the remaining tapestry of my life which is yet to be stitched. I still beat myself up just like you always did, for doing something too much, for not doing something enough, for not being good enough, for being a failure, but I’m working on it. If at the end of the day, the end of my life, I can look back and say I am missed and loved as much as you were and still very much are then I’ll be doing A-Okay.
I wish with all my heart I could have one last conversation with you although I wouldn’t know where to start or what to say. I just hope that you knew how much I love you and would have done anything for you, and how I just want to make you proud.
I’ll see you in the morning when the sunshine comes again,
All love for now, ever and always,
Your Ali Weasel xxxxxxx