Yes, I know it’s supposedly summer but this past week I’ve been doing some spring cleaning.
It started as I left the office to start my annual leave, I went through and spring cleaned my inbox so that it wouldn’t rage out of control too badly by the time I got back to work.
I spring cleaned the inside of my car, my kitchen cupboard and my drawer in the freezer. I spring cleaned my bedroom, donating stuff to the local charity shop and taking stuff to the tip, and took the time to do the little things like organise my desk drawers and start sorting my beauty storage. I also spring cleaned my book by taking it apart and started to plan on how I am going to put it back together in a better way. It was a much needed operation to get rid of the clutter that I’ve accumulated over the years but sitting here tonight, I’ve realised that there are lots of other areas of my life that could do with a spring clean.
I can’t help but carry a lot of emotional baggage, I’m a sensitive soul and I’ve been through a lot but there comes a time when enough is enough. After years of extensive therapy there are still things from the past that rear their ugly head and take me by surprise, making my breath catch in my throat and tears come to my eyes. So what can I do about it? The thing that instantly comes to my mind is to write it out. I have a lot of unanswered questions, unsaid things and un thought thoughts that need to come out. I share a lot on this blog but these are the sorts of things that I can barely bring to share with myself let alone the interwebnets so I think this will be an exercise in good old pen to paper. Possibly with a ceremonial burning in the garden when it’s all done.
I’m still carrying too much excess weight and I’m still not happy about it. I’m happier in my skin than I’ve been before but that doesn’t stop me from being aware that there’s too much skin and it’s covering too much fat. I need to keep doing what I’ve been doing, which is building exercise into my daily life and focusing on making the right choices. I also need to get over the remaining fear I have about working out – I’ve been too embarrassed to book an appointment with an instructor at the gym to get a proper programme worked out however it’s clearly time to conquer that fear and get it done.
I could probably write a tome to rival “War and Peace” on the amount of baggage I have regarding relationships, with several chapters on how I relate to people. The negativity inside my head overrides things a lot of the time and I always feel that I don’t have things to offer my friends, that they don’t actually want to be my friends and only stick around out of a sense of duty. I also have an innate fear of inviting friends to do things and of picking up the phone to chat to them because I feel like I’m intruding. Don’t even get me started on my relationships (or lack of) with the opposite sex. I’m utterly convinced that I’m going to end up alone because I’m unloveable by the male of the species so I keep my guard up, let my insecurities take over and end up back where I started – alone and convinced I’m going to die alone. I spend time cultivating friendships with people that really aren’t worthy of it and I neglect those friendships that I should cultivate more and somewhere in the middle are the largest majority of my friendships that I don’t feel secure in because frankly, I’m a bit of a twat. I’m not sure how I’m going to work on this one, where does one start with something like this?!
I own a fucktonne of stuff. It comes from not being able to let go off the past and from my obsessional leanings where I have to write things down because I’m so worried that I’ll forget them. I must own at least a hundred half completed notebooks and at least twenty more that are boxfresh completely unused. Before I was comfortable in my own skin, or at least working towards being comfortable in my own skin, I was as materialistic as they come and so shamefully admit to having a 120 litre bag that is filled to capacity with clothes that either still have the tags on or have never been worn. Moving forward I want to keep the flow of material things going out the door rather than coming inwards.
My relationship with food is highly fucked up. Even more so since various surgeries have left me unable to eat, without being sick, a variety of foods including red meat, pork, rice, pasta, bread, milk, cheese, yoghurt, spicy foods, fruit that is juicy, the list goes on. However we all know that my relationship is fucked up on a deeper level than not being able to eat certain foods and it’s time to get it licked once and for all. I don’t want to go into what I’m going to be doing for a variety of reasons but if you’re reading this and you’re struggling with food issues, please feel free to reach out.
All in all, that’s a lot of baggage.
Basically, the desire to rid myself of all this stuff is making me want to run away with a notebook and a pen, a guitar (that I don’t know how to play) and a sleeping bag, to somewhere I can sleep under the stars without having to worry about whether my bum is too big, or whether I’ve offended a friend by standing up to them, where I don’t have a million choices about what food to put into my mouth and thus inevitably make the wrong one a hundred times a day.
I think it’s all about balance. I don’t mean in a ‘standing on one leg chanting om’ type way, although I do think I’m in dire need of some yoga practice, but in a ‘not devoting too much time and energy to any one pursuit, person or thing’ way.