Nipple Shields and New Nephews

On Monday the stork dropped off the latest member of the Long Tall Ally clan, a beautiful boy who weighed in at a very healthy 11lbs 4 1/2oz and measured 55.5cms long… You can see why I’m Long Tall Ally now huh?

It was decided that we would descend upon the Dorset arm of the family en masse to lavish praise upon my clever sister in law and cuddles upon our new addition ‘BB’  and of course on the newest big brother on the block, Samalam, not forgetting hearty pats on the back for my brother for having such super sperm. After meeting at a secret location and synchronising our watches I climbed into the back of my Dad’s car and we headed for Banjo Country. The hatchet faced ward manager wouldn’t let us in even for a quick peek because it wasn’t technically visiting hours and so we were at the mercies of the Dorset countryside and my brother’s navigational skills to find somewhere nice for lunch.

The poor boy was obviously both tired and too excited to concentrate as we went on a little magical mystery tour with both Humphrey and my Dad making man style muttery noises about ‘I’m sure it’s here somewhere’ and ‘just a bit further this way, I’m sure’, well I’m afraid my need to be in control and my desire to have food in my face right at that very moment or I’d DIE took over and I had to save the day by no doubt horrifying the men in the car and whipping out my iPhone to fire up Google maps. It was quite pleasing to tell them that we were in fact heading in completely the wrong direction and could we please turn round and head back to this super mega pub that Humphrey had been singing the praises of?!

We turned round and after going back all the way back to the beginning again, we found the pub! Hurrah! The Blue Vinny in the amusingly named Puddletown which not only serves the most delicious blue cheese (apparently… we didn’t actually try any *huge sad face*) but had a cat called Smudge holding court at the end of the bar.

After a delicious lunch and a couple of drinks to wet the baby’s head (whaaat? It’s tradition!) we hopped back in the car and Humphrey rather sheepishly said that he needed to go to Tesco for something. It transpired that the something was NIPPLE SHIELDS (it feels like that deserves capitals, if only for the look that fleetingly crossed my Dad’s face when Humph dropped that clanger) for my lovely sister in law to save her nips from my nephew’s jaws of steel.

Cue a ball achingly awkward question from my Stepmum about whether nipple shields came in different sizes, with Dad adamant that they didn’t but that perhaps we should check with someone or perhaps ask SIL about nipple sizes. It took me slightly too long to work out that Dad meant ask her if the shields came in different sizes, not that he wanted to ask her whether she had burger nips. We strutted into Tesco like we were professional nipple shield buyers trying to hide our newcomer status but this all fell apart as my folks descended on a woman with a baby in tow and the conversation went like this:

Stepmum: “Excuse me, do you know where the nipple….” at this point she clearly forgets the word ‘shields’ and starts making twirly motions at the lady’s chest,

Dad: “The Nipple, thingys, SHIELDS” a bit too loud there Pops but it’s okay, it’s not like everyone is now looking at us. Oh. Wait.

Stepmum and I were duly dispatched to the pharmacy leaving the men to navigate the Mother & Baby aisle. We came back to find that they had drawn a crowd and were debating whether the contraption they had found was a nipple shield or a bottle top. It took the four of us using all our brain power to calculate that actually, none of the items on the shelf would fit the bill and at this point my super excited comedy ha ha I’m such a card nature kicked in and I started suggesting substitutes.

“Can’t we cut up some sliced ham?” what the eff?

“What about some cake cases?” I was trying to be helpful but then Humph piped up, “Why don’t we cut the top off a sports water bottle?” Well I’m sorry but it can’t only have been me who then had a mental image of my dear sister in law cramming her nipple through the top of an Evian bottle. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look her in the eye again.

We made it to the hospital just as visiting hours were starting and bumped into my lovely friend Mg in the carpark with my family refusing to believe that it was her because I’d literally just finished telling them that she was 8 1/2 months pregnant and the woman in the carpark could only have been five months gone at most, right Al? I of course had to remind them that not everybody has the Long Tall Ally clan MEGA GENES and some people have babies that are even baby sized. To give you an idea of what BB is like, when he was being brought out (through the sunroof, my sister in law isn’t a sadist!) the nurse in theatre exclaimed ‘He’s got school uniform on!’

And then it was time to meet the new love of my life and my ovaries were going mental as I got the first cuddle in *fist pump* He is a delight and then when we were joined by big brother Samalam looking all grown up in his school uniform *gets choked up. puts fist in mouth*

I might be biased but I am the luckiest fecker in the world right now with THREE handsome nephews and one beautiful niece who joined us three weeks ago too.

Broody doesn’t even begin to describe it…


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