I’d apologise to William Wordsworth for bastardising his work, but given the stress he put me through analysing his chuffing Lucy Poems for my A-Level English coursework all I’ll say is, payback’s a bitch Willy.
Recently I’ve been feeling lonely. I’ve got a deluge of completely brilliant friends who I adore spending time with but sometimes the loneliness pervades and makes me feel really blue. I find socialising really tiring at times, especially when I’m feeling low as it takes a lot of effort to be upright and happy and social when all I want to do is sleep or stare at the wall wrapped in a big duvet. I’ve never been very good at being social which is a historical leftover from being bullied and feeling like the odd one out when I was a kid. I’m rubbish at arranging to see friends because I always assume they’ll only say yes out of obligation and I find it stressful trying to organise social occasions as I get all OCD and twirly in my head until I just want to hide under the aforementioned duvet. I’m crap at picking up the phone to speak to friends, crap at texting friends to see how they’re doing, and just generally find it all a bit of a struggle. Which is good going considering my friends are seriously the coolest, most wonderful bunch around (don’t we all think that?!) and you’d have to be a bit of a dick to think they’d do anything out of obligation.
The loneliness really struck the other night and I can’t pinpoint exactly why but I know it has something to do with wishing I was a bit more carefree and spontaneous. I wish I could call up a friend and be like ‘heyyy let’s hang out’ on a whim but I’m not there yet. I’m happy being on my own but like a lot of people need to work out how to get more down time from their busy lives, I need to work out how to stop hiding behind the ghosts of the past and spend more time with the people whose company I adore.
Let’s face it, the loneliness is also a bit about not having a ‘someone’, about having an empty half of the bed, about having to snuggle up to my bloody duvet because there is a lack of a man shape in my life. *rolls eyes*