Sunday Sound Off: Lingo Wankers

I bloody hate lingo wankers. Those jargon tosspots who speak in ‘TLA’s’ (three letter acronyms) about ‘pushing the envelope’ and ‘quick wins’. The sort of ballbags who think they sound cool and hip when they weave this nonsense into daily conversation, particularly when they’re in public and preferably shouting it into a tiny mobile phone whilst striding about looking purposeful. Let’s face it, they’re also the sort of nobs who say that things are ‘hip’ in the first place. Arseholes. Whenever I hear one of them dropping this twaddle in to conversation I have to physically restrain myself from doing my ‘dickhead drawl’ which involves putting on a ‘yah, yah totes’ voice and repeating their wankerism of choice slowly over and over because that is surely a shortcut to a punch in the face.

Every industry has their jargon or their hyper clichéd phrases that make you grind your teeth to nubs whenever you hear them. Like Grimmy talking about listeners being ‘locked in’ to Radio One, a sentence that makes me want to jam on my brakes and smash my head against the steering wheel for relief, and the sweeping sensation that is ‘off of’ which I hold Scott flipping Mills entirely responsible for. The beautiful fashionista types talking about ‘a lip’, ‘a pant’, ‘a shoe’… WHAT’S WRONG WITH PLURALS, FASHION PEOPLE?!

I know it’s all about tribes and fitting in and being identified blah blah but isn’t there an easier way? Does it really have to be through jargon that can make you want to punch yourself square in the gut to distract from the aural pain? I realised that I was totally part of the Thunderbird family when I found myself talking about ‘tossing it off’, ‘homers’ and ‘town halls’ and I’ll admit it felt nice, but god to those outside of the work family I must sound like a right eejit. I get that we all like to feel accepted and if using a special dictionary that only people in our little tribe can understand is what does it then I suppose (through gritted teeth) that’s fair enough but I’d still like to think that there is a special place in hell reserved for Mr Generic Businessman and his ‘low-hanging fruit’ which totally sounds like he’s talking about bollocks, right? Still, talking about bollocks makes a change from spouting it!

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