Depression Doesn’t Care

It doesn’t care that it’s your birthday and you’re supposed to have a lovely day. It doesn’t care that you’ve somehow managed to crawl out of bed and make yourself look presentable to get through another day in the office. When it strikes it doesn’t give a fuck what you’ve got planned, or what you should be doing. All it cares about it swiping the rug out from underneath you feet leaving you wondering how on earth you’re going to get back up.

Depression made me sit and sob at my desk all this morning. It made me lose all of the joy in being sent heaps of cards, messages, presents and well wishes. It made, oh who am I kidding, is making me want to crawl into bed and pull the duvet over my head for the forseeable future. I’m currently battling with the greatest wish to cancel my weekend plans to see my family, because who on earth wants a weeping thirty two year old hanging about like a wet weekend? The drinks with work mates to celebrate next week? Hanging precariously in the balance due to the soul sucking depressive state I’m currently in. Even the long awaited weekend in Paris with some of my favourite girls next weekend had a moment of ‘well I could go, but I could spend the weekend lying in bed staring at the wall’ wobbliness. I know that in the grand scheme of things this will pass and I’ll go back to feeling normal and not like I have a ten ton weight pressing down on my shoulders whilst wading through treacle but for the moment it’s really bloody tough indeed.

It’s really scary to go in to your boss and say ‘You know what? I don’t want to go to a seminar on Libya tonight and it’s not because I’m being a Princess about having to work on my birthday, it’s because actually I feel like shit and am having enough difficulty in staying upright let alone getting to London and not weeping openly in front of a room full of industry colleagues”. Add to that the guilt (oh the guilt!) wrought upon me by this fucker depression that I’m letting everyone down and I’m useless at my job and a waste of space and may as well just quit because I’ve ruined things. What a sorry damn state to be in. To his credit he was really good, he didn’t tell me to cheer up or that I was being silly, both of which I berate myself with when things are like this anyway. Instead he very quietly told me it was okay, that he was sorry that I was so low and that the Libya thing wasn’t a big deal at all.

Some people will probably be wondering why I’m being such a buzzkill on my birthday when I should be posting about the wonderful cards and presents I’ve received, but here’s the thing… I made a pledge to keep the conversation going about mental health to remove some of the stigma and for me, admitting that actually I’m wiped out with depression at the moment on what should be a really nice day is a very important part of that.

It’s like I said earlier, depression doesn’t care who you are, how much or how little you have, or what you should be doing, when it wants to rear its ugly head it does, and bugger the consequences.

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/pledgewall

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11 thoughts on “Depression Doesn’t Care

  1. Allyface
    As you very, very recently pointed out to me, the ‘shoulds’ don’t matter. It utterly sucks that you suffer with this horrible thing but if you need to have a day where you just vent and feel what you feel then you do that… the presents and cards and well wishes will still be there tomorrow when it is brighter and you can enjoy them like you deserve!

    And a tiny little silver lining is that you’ve probably just helped someone by posting this, even though that person will be sad that you feel sad. The conversation needs to keep happening, especially after that knobhead Steve Brookstein sparked more shite about depression today.

    You are brilliant and you’ll remember that tomorrow. In the meantime, hugs and love and birthday-wishes-on-pause till you want them 🙂 xxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Hi JudyJayFace,

      Those bloody ‘shoulds’! I could flipping strangle them. I’m really hoping that I have helped someone, or even just made it a bit easier for them to open up.

      Looking forward to seeing you soon xxx

  2. It can strike anyone, at any time.

    But you know what you just did here? You did a good thing. You recognised it, you’ve confronted it, and you’re talking about it… which *will* help you and many others over the coming days, weeks, months….

    You got up. You opened up. You are doing OK, Miss, and don’t you forget it. It may try and convince you otherwise but as long as you are putting one foot in front of the other… you’re doing just fine.

    I, and countless other people battle this too. We get it. And we’re grateful for this, and every other person who speaks up & shows this happens to people in so many different circumstances.

    You’re brave. You’re fantastic. And everyone who matters understands you *are* the birthday princess… Even if you don’t feel like it right now. That’s ok. Birthday princesses can nominate other days to be pampered and drink champers with friends. That’s an actual thing, don’t you know??

    Sending love, and hugs, and dens to hide in til it all goes away. X

    1. Thanks JJ, gotta love a den to hide in.

      I’ve been bowled over by the amount of people putting their hands up and saying ‘yep, me too’. It makes it all the more crazy that there is such a stigma around it, but if I can help in a teeny tiny way by being open about it then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
      xxx

  3. Hi Ally

    I found this post via twitter; I’m @johnthestatto.

    Shockingly, it’s my birthday too today (44, rather than your positively nymph-like 32) but I too agree with you: irrespective of my SSRI dose, it appears that on occasion I’ll be thumped and find myself wanting to climb under the duvet and stay there.

    The time to change pledge wall is a great initiative, and I promised that I would keep talking so – like you – here I am. Congratulations to you in being able to keep going.

    In closing, please let me wish you a very happy birthday.

    John (the Statistician)

    1. Hi John,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and happy birthday, birthday buddy! For a long time I thought I was ‘safe’ taking anti-depressants, that they would keep everything I didn’t like at bay but you’re right that sometimes it jumps up and bites you seemingly out of nowhere.

      Thank you for keeping the conversation going,

      Ally

  4. A beautifully written and brave blog lovely girl. I’m sorry you feel so terrible and I hope that these feelings will fade soon for you. But for now be kind to yourself and remember that you have friends that love you, a boss who knows you are good at your job/work very hard and that in time these feelings will pass. Am thinking of you and always here if you want to talk xxx

    1. I think I have to get a bit better at being kind to myself, when I’m feeling better I always think that I wouldn’t let anyone talk to my friends the way I talk to myself! Thank you my lovely xxx

  5. It’s taken me hours to form some sort of coherent reply to this post, but all I can really say that makes sense is that: You’re incredible. You’re brave. And it’s your birthday, you can cry if you want to!

    I don’t think you’re capable of letting anyone down, or being useless, because you’re damn good at what you do and you’re even better at being a friend. Cards, presents and birthday wishes will be there when you’re ready to let them in, because taking care of yourself comes before everyone else.

    xxxxxxx

    1. It did make me smile thinking of you composing a reply in your head whilst at Pilates, because if you’re anything like me you’ll have been wobbling about like a champ and trying not to giggle at the same time.

      Can’t wait to see you for Paris. Thank you for taking the time to comment, xxx

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