The Aftermath

So, how does it feel in the aftermath of a crash and burn?

I’m not back to full strength by a long chalk but after some ‘me’ time over the weekend curled up in bed sleeping, reading, and staring at the wall as well as time with family and a couple of bracing walks along the beach I’m definitely feeling better than I was on Thursday. I still feel dead behind the eyes and my limbs are heavy as anything but my facial muscles are capable of smiling again which is definite progress.

I feel exposed though.

I’m fully clothed so don’t get any visions of me flashing my pants at you all but returning to the office the day after you’ve hit your depressive nadir and spent the morning snotting all over the place before throwing your hands in the air and saying you can’t cope leaves you feeling rather vulnerable indeed.

I felt awkward walking down the stairwell with the guy who ended up going to the Libya thing without me, there was an elephant in the room and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself apologising. Apologising for what exactly? For having depression. Ridiculous. It’s not like I want to have this after all.

So many people have held their hands up to me since Thursday and said “yep, totally know how you feel”. Some have done it on social media, some have done it privately, some have even done it face to face, but every single one has been very brave. It’s a crying shame that people are described as being “brave” for talking about mental health but for the time being that’s how it is. For the time being. Because the conversation about mental health isn’t going to go away.

In closing, to the person who said I should be less open about this so that I can attract a man?

Fuck that noise. Seriously, get fucked.

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2 thoughts on “The Aftermath

  1. Hey

    Great to hear that you’re making progress.

    Being a depressive we’ve got to keep talking because talking is a way of profile raising which is, in its own way, a way of reducing and eventually removing the stigma ridiculously associated with depression.

    And, as a man, I think I can say this without fear of contradiction: never, ever stop being open. Any man who wants you to be less open about something so central to your life that it becomes one of the main foci of your attention is unworthy of your time.

    1. I felt a bit like a fraud on Friday because I hit my lowest on Thursday, cried and talked it out and felt brighter on Friday. Then I was worrying that people would think I hadn’t been genuine the day before. What a pickle.

      And you’re right, any man who can’t take me as I am with flaws as well as good points isn’t worth the paper he’s printed on. X

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