Kendo-n’t 

After a series of man shaped disappointments in the real world (sad face) I thought I’d go back to the old faithful for some blog fodder and dip my toe into online dating once more. 

Less than 24hrs later and I’m already considering getting measured for my wimple and adopting another cat. 

Is there anyone out there who can explain what it is about me that just brings the unusual men to the fore? Do I have a magnet?! Granted there hasn’t been an adult baby (yet) but it’s still early days so don’t lose faith fetish fans. 

First up was the man who told me I looked absolutely gorgeous next to my “little friends”, well why not just call me Snow White and be done with it buddy… I know it’s a pretty amusing picture given we inadvertently stood in height order but something about the way he phrased it just made all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. 


But he wasn’t finished there. Oh no. He came out with the first of what I like to think of as the holy trinity of height fetish questions: 


The other two of course being, “how long is your inside leg” and “what size are your feet” usually combined with emojis such as 😉😜😘🍆👠 just in case you don’t feel creeped out enough. Nine times out of ten they then go on to ask if I’d ever consider selling them my shoes before offering to pay more if they’re worn. Also, why would I need his (puke) big strong arms to hold on to? I know after a few shandies I have a tendency to walk like a rugby player wearing Louboutins for the first time but pride myself on staying upwards* 

And then an old faithful appeared, like manna from heaven. Somehow he always manages to track me down within the first day of my “giving it another go” and for the uninitiated his opening line is certainly more interesting than “hey, u ok? Xxx” but I know his game. He’s got previous. It starts innocently (if weirdly) enough. A question about kickboxing. 


But he won’t stop there, oh no he won’t. Mr Miyagi has taught this kid well and he will wax on and wax off his way all up in my inbox with a string of martial arts related intrigue. In the past his questions have included such gems as “how high can you kick”, “how hard can you kick”, “have you ever kicked anyone in the balls” and when I engaged and asked him if he seriously thought his approach might work (whilst imagining him wanking furiously into a sports sock) he replied, 

“Would you ever wear a kendo outfit in the bedroom?” 

Stay tuned folks, it’s going to be a wild ride. 

*apart from that time on the coach home from the Christmas party. Twice. 

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