Banging in a Bus Shelter.

04:35 – Hobo the Hellbeast wakes me up for breakfast (Bollocks. Forget to set the auto feeder)

04:37 – Back to bed with well over an hour until my alarm – yippee! 

04:42 – NOOOOOOO work phone of doom starts ringing in my right ear. We’re being tipped out for a response. 😩

04:50 – Wash, teeth, wrestle hair into some semblance of a pony tail, throw on clothes, liberally apply perfume, get in the car. 

04:52 – Driving along the shore (the shore for those who know!) when I clock two people further along. Bit odd to see anyone this early thinks I. Oh. Oh yep, they’re having sex in a bus shelter. At ten to five on a Friday morning. As my car cruised past them, the woman clearly enjoying gyrating all over his nether regions, she saw me and triumphantly thrust his pants in the air. Held aloft like a banner at a pop concert, a badge of honour earned by shagging on the shore. 

04:55 – Eat jelly snake from Pick ‘n’ Mix hastily grabbed from living room. Wonderful nutritious brekkie. Spend time wondering if it would count as a balanced meal if I had one in each hand. 

05:00 – Arrive in EOC (nerve hub of operations) and it all begins in earnest. Type my little fingers off trying to keep up with it and only take a break a couple of hours later when someone mutters the magic words “Welly bacon sarnie?” 

08:00 – Like manna from heaven my relief the Cromp-Dog arrives and I give her a quick précis of what’s occurring in between mouthfuls of fried meat and ketchup. 

08:15 – And just like that, five and a half years of being a Spill Mum comes to an end. Five and a half years of being attached to my work phone, of never getting proper sleep waiting for it to ring, and of spending way too many evenings and weekends in the stuffy little room that smells of boys. I hang up my tabard (they don’t actually make us wear them) and leave the EOC for the final time. 

08:20 – I arrive in my office with half a bacon sarnie balanced delicately on my laptop and breath a massive sigh of relief before opening my three inboxes and realising I need a fire extinguisher to cope. #onfire #manymanyemails 

10:00 – Have resisted the fresh Pain au Chocolat brought back from France by one of C-Dog’s travellers but boss cracks them open and it feels rude not to. Plus calories don’t count when you’ve been rudely awaken. Fact. 

10:30 – Jesus, take the wheel – how is it only ten thirty?? 

11:15 – Spend a glorious 25 minutes in the yard chatting to a friend who is so hungover he has already had a tactical chunder. Tell him he needs to “MTFU Wet-pants” but relent slightly when he sounds a bit like he wants to cry. 

12:00 – Head to the pub for a well earned lunchtime pint in the sunshine. Cloudy apple cider will do me nicely. 


13:00 – Back to the office to log off and bog off. 

13:10 – Walk back to the office after spending ten minutes looking for car in Marina. Finally remember parking car on base. 

13:15 – Drive home. No shaggers. Replaced by topless old man sitting backwards on a bench. Worry slightly that he might be stuck but too tired to assist if he is. 

13:25 – Sit on stoop eating fresh strawberries in the sunshine. Sucks to be you stuck in the office! 

13:45 – Invited to join the sun worshippers on their patio for wine in the sun. BEYOND tempted but covered in strawberry juice, hair mental, and tired, so decline. 

13:50 – Go upstairs to flat and check temperature. Clearly sickening for something as didn’t want wine. 

14:00 – Type up frankly hilarious blog that you’re all going to fawn over. Obvs. 

14:30 – Maybe I’ll have just a quick disco nap? A nap and rally? Although… don’t actually have anything to rally for until tomorrow morning… yaaaaas. 

14:35 – Urge to grab iPad, ice cream, and a G&T to watch trash telly in bed is HIGH. Am really living my best life. 

14:40 – ZZZZZZZZZZ 😴
* Man the Fuck Up 

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