A-Z: Advice to my seventy-year-old self

Dear Weasel,

I’ll accept no excuses if you’re not still a card carrying member of the Urban Family (unless you’re dead in which case make sure you haunt them) because that bunch of misfits have been wonderful to you and plyed you with enough pink wine to sink a battleship.

If you’re married then I hope he’s a kind man with a nice face who makes you laugh. If he has a penchant for wearing nappies I’ll be less pleased, and if he’s a magician I’d like someone to smack you upside the head because magicians = the devil.

Make sure your home still has books all over it and artworks on the wall – they make you happy. Try not to still be swearing, it’s most unbecoming for a lady of your advanced years. Actually, fuck that, you love a good fucking swear from time to time.

Drink gin. And if drinking it with Schweppes is what you want to do then so be it. Just never with cucumber. Make sure you’re not one of those old ladies who smells of lavender, or even worse of piss and peppermints. Don’t go on and on, your niblings really don’t want to hear about ‘the good old days’ particularly as the World is currently imploding.

Speaking of the niblings, don’t be distant. Make sure they know how awesome you are because right now they adore you and if you screw that up for future me I will NOT be impressed. Spend more time in New England.

Don’t start reading bodice rippers – your sex life might be dead (or who knows, you might be swinging from the light fittings!) but that’s no reason to read Mills and Boon. Don’t be tempted to try and write a Mills and Boon like Grandma, no child needs to find that!

Let people important to you know you love them. Spread compliments like wildfire. Try to love yourself inside and out, and never never lose your muchness. You sparkle.

If you’re still beating yourself up about your weight or your body then I swear to God I will find a way to make you rue the day you were born.

Love you, love you, mean it, mean it.

Weasel xx

(With thanks to ‘My Life: An autobiographical journal from adventures to zealous plots’ by Mr Boddington’s Studio)

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