Bieber 2008 

Is it getting any better? Is. It. Fuck. 

I know it’s expecting miracles but I thought that perhaps sticking it out on a couple of dating sites would weed out the weirdos and bring out someone even slightly my type. 

I’m not being proved right so far… 

There was this witty raconteur – I’d imagine he would hold everyone’s attention wherever we went, regaling stories of derring-dos, heroism, and romance. He’d drive an Aston Martin and drink his Martini shaken, not stirred. 

Orrrrrrrr not. 

I thought the cop out message was “Hi” but that seems like making a concerted effort compared to this. 

Then from the, no I can’t call that message sublime so we’re going from the ridiculous to the… more ridiculous. The dating site equivalent of War and Peace sent by someone who thinks he’s trying to be quirky. He isn’t. 

Now, is he talking about her bringing her emotional baggage into the new relationship? Or about literally bringing him into it in a ménage a trois situation because either way, WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE YOU ADVICE ABOUT IT?! 

He continues. 

You want to come with me? How did you know I was about to run screaming in the opposite direction?! 

If you want to delete her mate then that is your call. But from the pitch you’re making, I draw two conclusions. 

1) You love game playing.

2) You think you’re going to awaken some competitive side to me like “oooh those crazy bitches think they stand a chance, lemme show them“. 

RE: number one – no thank you. 

RE: number two – I am competitive but not for this, thanks anyway. 

Asking me if I was in a relationship before and why it didn’t work out is a brave move, although STUPID. 

“Yeah I was in a relationship before but he took too long to reply to a message so I boiled his pet rabbit.”

“I’m a satanist; he couldn’t cope with all the blood.”

“He looked at another woman so I chopped up all his clothes.”

Part of me is tempted to reply with one of the above scenarios which most definitely are not real (to me at least). That will open a dialogue and I’m not sure I can cope with more enforced zaniness. 

Then this man got in touch and I got my comeuppance… 

What shit hair thought I, it’s like a greasy Justin Bieber circa 2008. 

And then I opened his message. 

And that told me. 


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