Sunday Sound Off: Mood Hoovers

They suck the joy out of any situation and if they’re in a bad mood then it’s their mission to ensure everyone else around them is also having a shitty day. They sit there with their hangdog expressions, nothing can shift them out of their funk and the little black thundercloud hanging over their heads just keeps getting bigger.

You can try and cheer them up, or relentlessly beam positivity at them but as they’re basically Dementors in human form you’re going to fall at the first hurdle.

Everybody has bad days, everybody has those moments where they want to give the world a high five in the face with a chair, or a standing ovation with their middle finger but come the fuck on. Leave some happiness in the air for the rest of us?!

A long time ago I worked with someone I privately referred to as “the shrew” who would walk into the office and in the reverse of Pleasantville the colour started draining from the air. Nothing was ever good enough, everything was wrong, and boy did she let us all know it. Both barrels.

I tried positivity, I tried listening to her negativity (fuck me I wanted to drown in a bottle of voddie) and I tried ignoring her which gave her a complex and almost led to HR getting involved. None of it worked.

Then one night we ended up being the last ones left at the pub…

Ooh that sounds like the start of some bad lesbian fiction. It isn’t. And I wish I could say we bonded over a bottle and became firm friends. In reality I realised there wasn’t enough wine in the world to make it less painful spending time with her and resolved to never do it again.

Thankfully she left shortly after so whilst I didn’t work out how to change her hoover bag* I didn’t have to stare at her mizzog grill anymore.

Of course the other side of the coin is those “farts like caramel, unicorns exist, isn’t life WONDERFUL and JOYOUS” people who leap out of bed singing ‘Morning’s Here’ – they’re a different battle entirely.
*Tenuous metaphor for finding out what made her tick, not for punching her on the nose.


2 thoughts on “Sunday Sound Off: Mood Hoovers

  1. Haha! This post is hilarious! “Mornings here! The morning here! Sunshine is here”

    Oh yes, the enigmas that are the “Mary fucking sunshines” and the ” black holes” I guess when there are like, 40 billion of us we are going to run the spectrum. Just once I want to see a dementor wearing an “I’m actually a mermaid” t-shirt.

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