Sunday Sound Off: Airport Security

Unless you are clinically brain dead you have no excuse for not being prepared to go through security at the airport. Even if you’ve never flown before there are huge signs telling you what to do, and even if you’ve never flown before and can’t read either there are handy diagrams so you can sort your shit out ahead of time and not piss off the person behind you. Even if you have never flown before, can’t read, and can’t understand diagrams it’s STILL easy to figure out the drill. 

I actually had a pleasant experience going through today – perhaps because one is flying business class (*cough*wanker*cough*) and they’re usually more frequent flyers so understand the jackets off, laptop out, liquids in a baggie routine more easily but it’s made me yearn never to go back to economy. 

There are those people who float up to security like Dolly daydream all the way through the queue and then they’re faced by the bins and it’s like “earth to Martin, come in Martin” and so, with all the urgency of a hungover sloth they set about finding their stuff from the hundreds of pockets on their bags and of course they haven’t put their toiletries in a baggie and do they even have a baggie? No, no they do not. Shame on you Martin, shame on you. 

They dawdle through the scanner and naturally get tapped up for a pat down which holds things up even more and then somehow they also manage to take up ALL OF THE SPACE at the bag re-pack area as they decide it is not just time to cram your things back into your bag enough to allow you to move off and re-pack it properly somewhere where you don’t feel you’re in the way. No the Martin’s of this world think it is prime time to decant every fucking thing from their ridiculous sized bag, spread it as far and wide as possible, and then stand looking at it whilst considering how to get it all back in like some big game of luggage Jenga. 

And the most galling part of all is that they’re blithely unaware that they’re being a nuisance while I’m left gnashing my teeth at their ineptitude. For dealing with the Martin’s of this world and managing to do so without shouting “yes you have to put your laptop in a bin you fuckmonkey! Why the fuck are your liquids not in a bag you bellend? Yes aftershave is a liquid! Even if it’s Drakkar Noir and stinks like a teenage boys’ nut-sack” I think airport security staff are the real MVP and the Martin’s of the world should be grounded. For life. 


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