A-Z: Dispatches from the middle of the night

Ugh, the blinds in this room are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard, I really should go to IKEA and get some more fabric for them. What is that noise?! Oh Hobo your snoring is pretty darn cute, but it’s about to be disturbed by… yep, here she goes. Randy downstairs neighbour giving herself a very loud knee trembler. Every night, regular as clockwork. Yes, hi Hobes, I know you want attention but you don’t have to wiggle yourself between my pillows and bop me in the face to get it.

Oh Hooty the loudest owl in Hampshire has got going now, maybe he/she is also having a knee trembler? Can owls orgasm? How do owls have sex? Maybe I’ll just Google that *picks up phone* Huh. Never knew that. Well whilst I’m here I’ll just have a nosey at Instagram. And Facebook. Aaaaaaand there we go, fallen into a Reddit hole.


Hmm, need a wee, let’s try not to trip over the cat on the way to the loo. No Hobo, just because I’m moving round the flat does not mean it’s breakfast time. Back to bed but can’t get comfy, maybe I’ll just have a quick WhatsApp with all the people I’ve ever met who live in a different timezone. And back to Reddit.


Wake up, have a stretch and ooh let’s turn over. Ow! That hurts because you’re a stupid bint who drank way too much on a school night and chipped your elbow. Bellend. Okay so if it’s 1am here, it’s 8am in Singapore maybe I’ve got an urgent email I need to reply to from the office. Whilst I’m here I may as well just clear my inbox a little, oh and what do I have in my calendar for tomorrow? Sugarlumps, forgot about that meeting. Have I done any prep?


What the actual fuck do you want Hobes? I love you but fuck off! Maybe if I pull the duvet over my head he’ll leave me alone?


How is it alarm time already?! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


With thanks to ‘My Life: An autobiographical journal from Adventures to Zealous Plots’ by Mr Boddington’s Studio


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