Here We Go Again…

Selling a dream

A dream? Darling that line is a NIGHTMARE but yes, I am in fact really that tall. This message reminded me of the man who refused to believe I was 6’2″ and kept asking me how tall I was really. I kept confirming that yes, I was indeed 6’2″ and then he asked how tall I was REALLY and I realised I was busted.

Me: I’m 1 metre 88 centimetres

Him: oh cool (beat…) Hey! That’s 6″2″!

Give. Me. Strength.

Sometimes you see a username and unlike all the ‘sexybigboy4U’ nonsense it gives you a little bit of hope. I clocked a message late last night and was pleasantly surprised because I thought the username was a subtle head nod to one of my favourite TV shows, ‘Community’ but in an effort to play it cool I didn’t open it and went off to sleep.


‘_cool_cool’ turned out to be anything but. His late night message of ‘cant sleep at all lol hows u?’ (grammar model’s own) was a thinly veiled booty call and so because I hadn’t replied immediately he blocked me. I’m heartbroken, honestly. How will I cope, life can’t go on, wah wah wah etc. My broken heart was mended slightly by the next love missive, because really who doesn’t want to be told they’re as rare as a diamond? Knowing my luck though I’d be a conflict diamond with a bloody past explored by Leo Di Caprio with a dodgy accent in a Hollywood blockbuster.

Brightest creation

From there it got more promising (and thankfully, less cheesy) with a question I could probably write an essay on…

John Hughes

Surely it has to be Jake Ryan turning up at the church where Samantha Baker is wearing an 80’s heinous bridesmaids dress and flower crown? The ball achingly awkward chat on the street before they end up sat on a table sharing a kiss over her birthday cake? *Chandler voice* Could that BE any more perfect? (answers on a postcard please) Also, massive hat tip to Long Duk Dong for, well, being Long Duk Dong *heart eyes emoji*

Then came an offer I… well, I COULD refuse. I’m a one man woman, and let’s face it he doesn’t just want someone who can play with other guys when she wants. He wants someone who can play with other guys when she wants… as long as he can watch whilst deep breathing and frigging himself off in the corner of the room.  And I’m not about that life.

Play away


I’m also not about getting messages which sound like the start of a cover letter for a job application – it is NOT hard work dating me, no matter what you may have heard to the contrary. I mean ‘Tell me again about being a sustainability champion’ is hardly pillow talk is it.


I know, sexy right? *Fans self* And to round off this wander through my inbox let me present Mr Tally Ho:

British 1

High Tea at Harrods? Yes. Mapping each other’s personal psychology? Heck NO. You do NOT need to know the inner workings of my psyche until, well until never really. That’s a surefire passion killer amirite? And to just confirm that us Brits are nothing more than a stereotype:

British 3

So internet friends, which would YOU pick?

Bieber 2008 

Is it getting any better? Is. It. Fuck. 

I know it’s expecting miracles but I thought that perhaps sticking it out on a couple of dating sites would weed out the weirdos and bring out someone even slightly my type. 

I’m not being proved right so far… 

There was this witty raconteur – I’d imagine he would hold everyone’s attention wherever we went, regaling stories of derring-dos, heroism, and romance. He’d drive an Aston Martin and drink his Martini shaken, not stirred. 

Orrrrrrrr not. 

I thought the cop out message was “Hi” but that seems like making a concerted effort compared to this. 

Then from the, no I can’t call that message sublime so we’re going from the ridiculous to the… more ridiculous. The dating site equivalent of War and Peace sent by someone who thinks he’s trying to be quirky. He isn’t. 

Now, is he talking about her bringing her emotional baggage into the new relationship? Or about literally bringing him into it in a ménage a trois situation because either way, WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE YOU ADVICE ABOUT IT?! 

He continues. 

You want to come with me? How did you know I was about to run screaming in the opposite direction?! 

If you want to delete her mate then that is your call. But from the pitch you’re making, I draw two conclusions. 

1) You love game playing.

2) You think you’re going to awaken some competitive side to me like “oooh those crazy bitches think they stand a chance, lemme show them“. 

RE: number one – no thank you. 

RE: number two – I am competitive but not for this, thanks anyway. 

Asking me if I was in a relationship before and why it didn’t work out is a brave move, although STUPID. 

“Yeah I was in a relationship before but he took too long to reply to a message so I boiled his pet rabbit.”

“I’m a satanist; he couldn’t cope with all the blood.”

“He looked at another woman so I chopped up all his clothes.”

Part of me is tempted to reply with one of the above scenarios which most definitely are not real (to me at least). That will open a dialogue and I’m not sure I can cope with more enforced zaniness. 

Then this man got in touch and I got my comeuppance… 

What shit hair thought I, it’s like a greasy Justin Bieber circa 2008. 

And then I opened his message. 

And that told me.