A-Z: Essentials I Can’t Live Without

I’m not about to get all LeAnn Rimes on your asses because I could survive without these but it wouldn’t be as much fun. 

Front and centre it needs to be my friends because although you think you might have the greatest group of friends in the world I’m afraid you’re wrong. Of particular note are of course my Urban Family, the Urbs. My true blue ride or die homies who I would do anything for. From the outside looking in we probably look mental, but we’re a-okay with that. 

Ice cold water – I know, none of us could live without it but for someone who doesn’t drink hot drinks, rarely drinks fizzy drinks, and can’t drink fruit juice (because heartburn) my choices of drink are wine, gin, or water. And I don’t think my boss would be too chuffed with me being pissed out of my tiny mind in the office. I drink 3 litres a day without fail, sometimes more, and yes I whizz like a racehorse. 

Lip balm – because I get lipstick on my teeth and even though I drink water until I piss like Shergar I always have dry lips. I’d like to be chic and I’d like to be the elegant sort of woman who can sweep her hair into a chignon and slick on some perfect lippie without a mirror but… I’m not. The best I can do with my hair is bung it up with a chopstick, y’know like I’m Mandy Moore circa 2001 and I’m off to the Teen Choice Awards with a slip dress on over my stonewashed flared jeans. I always have a collection of lip products in my handbag which currently include 2 pots of the same lip balm, one of a different brand, and a blue lipstick. I’m not trying to channel Björk, it only looks blue but comes out a sheer berry hue in case you think I’ve gone mental.  

WhatsApp – with 23 chats on the go, some of which go back to 2015 it’s clear I’m a bit of a junkie. Of course the large proportion of the chats must NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. If I die, someone needs to go in and erase them before they go viral. 

My denim jacket and a pair of Converse – it sort of sums up my style that this is my go-to confidence outfit.  With a pair of Chucks on my feet and my ‘so cheap it was almost criminal’ denim jacket on my back I feel like I can take on the world. Plus sometimes I pop my collar and shove my hands in the pockets and I feel a little (very very little) like Sandy from Grease. 

Quiet time – if you know me in real life you know I’m gobby, can talk for England, and love relaying a story. But being ‘on’ also means I need time when I’m ‘off’. I sit and read, I nap, I walk by the water. I just ‘be’. 

Aaaaand fuck me that sounds wanky. 

Artwork – my ideal house has white walls that are crammed with art. Big art, small art, funny art, serious art, just art. I’m collecting it as I go to make a gallery wall in my living room and my style is, well it’s quirky. Tucked away I have a little collection of Anna Wintour cartoons building up ready to have an ‘Anna’ corner behind the door, and I have so many prints saved on Etsy I could open my own shop. 

My medications – I thought long and hard about putting this on here because recently I’ve proved to myself that I can live without anti-depressants (although I weep, I weep at the oddest things) however my other medication keeps me sane. Literally. We’re moving towards a place where we can be open and honest about mental health issues and so that’s what I’m doing. My tablets keep me upright and there’s no shame in that. 

What are your essentials? What do you keep around? 

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Talonted is Talented

I’m a secret nail art fan even though I’m as cack handed as they come and can just about manage to paint my own nails without going all over the lines. I love the bright colours, intricate and crazy designs some people sport however I prefer to stick to muted colours with the odd red or bit of glitter thrown in sometimes. I’m always looking for ways to indulge my secret love which is why it’s a good thing that the super talented Lex came into my life via Twitter because man alive, she gives good nail!

She regularly updates her blog Talonted with the latest design she’s rocking and I’ve put a selection of my favourites below but really you need to head over to her site to see her entire portfolio.

How Cath Kidston kitsch cool are these?
Busy busy bumblebee...
Autumn leaves
In a galaxy far far away...
How much love for these loved up nails?

The best thing about Lex’s love of and talent for nail art is that she has recently started a service whereby you can request your own acrylic nail extensions painted to your own specifications. If you have a design you want Lex to work her magic on, head over to the Talonted Facebook page where for a mere £10 you can have your own personalised extensions. A bargain!

Cosy Toes

After splashing through several puddles the other morning wearing a pair of inappropriate ballet pumps I have had enough and it’s time to make the annual switch to boots both for warmth and practicality. I thought I’d show you some of my favourites out there at the moment, of course I can’t buy any of them due to having massive feet and being on a shopping ban but I can live vicariously through you lot and your normal sized tootsies.

Starting off with the ‘Welly’ category, it would be remiss of me not to mention the ubiquitous ‘Hunter’ wellington boots. They come in a range of colours and sizes so there really is something for everyone but the ones that have caught my eye are their new Regent Collection. They bring to mind Elizabeth Bennett romping over the fields all flushed and sexy looking before bumping in to Mr Darcy for a bunk up. My particular favourites are:

image courtesy of targetwholesale.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

Of course not everybody has over a hundred squids to spank on a pair of puddle splashers so if you’re in the market for a pair without a three figure price tag then the Welly Warehouse has literally hundreds of pairs to choose from – this pair that look like some girlie stripy rigger boots caught my eye, I’m a fan!

But what about if it’s cold and crisp and there are no puddles to jump in to? What’s a girl to do then? Break out the fur of course! Now I know they say that ‘Uggs are for Smugs’ but I can’t condone the wearing of those outside of the house so I’ve searched for other alternatives. I like to think of this category as ‘Ski Bunny’, conjuring up images of fair isle jumpers, plaits and big mugs of hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire.

I love both of these because they look so cosy and warm and would work equally as well with skinny jeans or a nice skirt and thick tights. My toes are getting warm just looking at these bad boys!

The final category in my boot tour of the world is for when you don’t want to schlumph about but instead want to be able to pick your way delicately over cold ground safe in the knowledge that you won’t be getting any chillblains. The sort of boots that make you think of Nancy Sykes from Oliver or the dancing scene from Titanic where Leo shows Kate how its done before they begin their ill fated love affair. Oh Leo, I appear to have come over all unnecesary *fans self*

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think it’s the laces that I like about these, I have a similar pair that my friend describes as my Victorian wench boots and far from being offended I quite like the description. They’re sort of like sexy hiking boots…. and who doesn’t want to look like a sexy hiker when the weather turns!

WeWood Watches – I Would

I’m a total fiend for watches, I feel naked without a heavy chunk of something something dangling off my wrist and have been known to turn the car round and go back to the house if I forget to put one back on after my shower. My first watch was a 1992 Pop Swatch “Parade” which I alternately wore on my wrist or ‘popped’ on my t-shirt like one of the cool kids.

Then when I was about 14 I graduated to a blinging DKNY number that I pestered my Mum to buy, it was sleek and sparkly and probably somewhat inappropriate for school wear but I loved it like it was my own child. It’s still in its display case amongst my keepsakes somewhere and if early 90’s bling ever comes back into fashion then I might pass it on to my daughter or my very gay son.

Then came the Fossil watch obsession, starting with the chunky leather strapped badboy that I thought made me look like Lara Croft all ass kicking and lethal; the sparkly Twist stainless steel jobby that I ended up having an allergic reaction to followed swiftly by the oh so chic bang on trend white ceramic looks like a Chanel J12 but y’know isn’t, watch.

As a normal human who only has two wrists that should be more than enough watches to last me a lifetime huh? Well I know it is but I can’t help but keep an eye peeled for little beauties that could technically be an addition to my collection were I not on a shopping ban of course. One such watch is the WeWood Watch in Beige which made me do a little squeal when I saw it – a wooden watch.

Made entirely from organic, hypo-allergenic wood and without any yucky chemicals I reckon the WeWood range is definitely one to watch. I think they’d make great Christmas presents and can think of someone in particular I’d love to buy one for. They’re stylish and a bit unusual which is a great combination, and I think a WeWood watch would look just as good on a stylo teenage girl who has been drop kicked through TopShop as a suited and booted business man with a bit of fashion flair. In fact I’d quite like to date a wooden watch wearing suity man, if you know any? The WeWood range is reasonably priced between £79-89 and the best thing about buying your own bit of tree to adorn your wrist? The promise from WeWood that for each watch sold a new tree will be planted. Italian design and eco credentials? Count me in. The WeWood range is available at Watch Me Go a site I’m very glad I didn’t encounter whilst I was still shopping. It’s like hardcore porn for watch lovers.
 

 

#90: Have a byline in GLAMOUR


I didn’t think I’d be able to tick this one off the list for a very long time. It all came about by accident on Twitter, one of those happy happenstances that you don’t imagine occurring in a million years. The editor of GLAMOUR, Jo Elvin tweeted that she wished all her readers could help her write her Editor’s Letter for the upcoming edition of the magazine. Without thinking about it I replied saying ‘If I was writing your letter, I’d advise your readers to read this hilarious blog’ and sent her the link to this place.

I didn’t think any more of it until she replied saying ‘Get in touch, we want to commission you x’ – OH MY GOD. It snowballed and then before I knew it I was out buying 6 copies of my favourite magazine to see my first ever byline and ticking another thing off my list.

Handbag full of kryptonite

I had been anticipating one particular email all year and yet when it arrived I found myself utterly powerless to act upon it, as if I was superwoman and someone had slipped some kryptonite into my handbag. Talk about a gutting experience… My inbox pinged and I nearly screeched in excitement at being invited to a private Mulberry sale – 50% off! Unfortunately due to it being nearly the end of the month, oh and the fact that I am not a squillionaire I couldn’t take advantage. *sobs* As if to compound my misery about half an hour later I was invited to a private viewing/sale at Anya Hindmarch – aaarrrggghhh!

Lost another 5lbs in the past week however am not shedding sizes on my bottom half which is beginning to piss me off a little bit as if I keep losing weight from the top down I am going to start looking ridiculous. I also have to think about the fact that in 7 months time I am going to be on a gorgeous beach in Cuba surrounded by healthy skinny types and I am either going to be a) still fat or b) skinny but with really floppy skin. Mmm attractive. Perhaps I should start cultivating a ‘fuck it’ attitude and retrain my brain to think that I’ve worked damn hard as a post op and that wherever I am in my journey by the time Cuba rolls around is A-OK with me. Which I think is going to be easier said than done, in a major way! I just don’t want to let my best girl down by looking like a fat sweaty sow in her wedding photos, nor do I want to miss out on any of the activities on the holiday because I’m scared of being told I’m too fat or worried that I won’t fit. The final thing that is occupying my headspace about Cuba is the bridesmaid dress issue. I trust Marms implicitly on the choice of dress and would wear a bin liner if it made her happy but I know it’s going to cause issues because, what if I’m still a plus size? That would a) restrict dress choices majorly and b) big top sized dresses don’t come cheap! And what if we do buy the dress and then I shrink more or whatever? I think I just need to chill out a little bit and maybe use the weekend coming up to talk to my girl about it all – just air the issues and whatnot. You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. *vomits*

Welcome to Plateauville, Population: Me

Welcome to the Plateauville town tour my name is Skinny Minnie and I’m your guide for the day. Please keep your hands inside the tour bus as the residents are prone to biting, snarling and spitting. If you have a flash on your camera please ensure it is activated if you intend on taking photos as Plateauville residents are a narcissistic bunch who although being stuck here still love posing for photographs. Flashbulbs popping will be sure to lure residents out of their houses. At the end of the tour we will have a quick visit to the gift shop, where you will be able to find t-shirts, fanny packs and lycra leggings, one size fits all. Of course the size is XXXXXL, we find that the t-shirts make excellent car covers for inclement weather, or gazebos for the garden.
On the left you’ll notice the Plateauville town scales where residents are required to subject themselves to humiliating weigh-ins where lucky tour visitors pelt them with junk food if the scale doesn’t move. If the scale does show a sign of movement residents are required to pack their belongings and leave Plateauville immediately, however most of them return one day even if it’s only for a week.

Further up Heifer Street on the right you’ll notice the Plateauville General Stores where protein, bottled water and vitamins are the mainstays. You’ll notice that most of the store is boarded up because the owner is on vacation due to the population of this town being reduced to just one resident currently. Long Tall Ally has been in Plateauville for two weeks now and has not enjoyed a single moment of her stay, the ungrateful bitch.

Of course to end her stay in Plateauville all L.T.A needs to do is get off her fat arse, drink excessive amounts of water and keep her protein levels up. You’ll see up ahead that the town fountain, shaped like the hallowed Golden Arches is still spouting water which folks, is a sure sign that L.T.A will be resident here for some time to come. That concludes our quick trip through Plateauville, I hope you’ve enjoyed your visit, please remember to take all your junk food and fizzy drinks, Long Tall Ally has no use for them.